A further complication is that the OM was also a good friend of mine and spent lots of time with our kids. Seems like my W was using him as a Plan B remarriage (although I'm pretty sure he wants nothing to do with raising another family). He is now dead to me and I will not allow him into our house. He has no more contact with my kids.
It's tough and calls for tough measures. If he's M with kids, his W & kids can no longer be friends with yourW & kids. And obviously, no friendship with OM. It feels like surgery, but it's necessary to cut out the cancer and the area around it. No more meetings with W & OM's mutual friends. She will want to excuse it, but it's a connection and will feed the addiction.
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She was extremely transparent right after I revealed I knew something was up, although I never told her what I knew or how I knew it. I believe my phrasing for the confrontation was "I'm going to ask you some questions, some of which I already know the answers to. Now is your chance to tell the truth." I never showed her my evidence or how I got it. But she's smart enough to figure out one of my sources... For awhile she made a point of leaving her phone in front of me and walking away for hours. I didn't check because I didn't feel the need to and I would obsess over any little thing I found.
I doubt it was legit, b/c she had herself covered before she just laid her phone down and walked away,practically giving youan invitation to look. She had any criminating evidence deleted, rest assured. In a real transparency, it is up to you to look when she least expects it.
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She has more remorse that she got caught and felt (maybe still feels - I'm not sure) that she did nothing wrong since she never had sex with him. But there are indications that there was plenty going on that was inappropriate (kissing/hugs/sexting). I'm not sure how to change this dynamic without it blowing up in my face. For now I'm focusing on my feelings and goals.
Until she feels remorse for what she's done, instead of just sorry she got caught, it's a smoke screen. None of it is legit until she get herself out of the middle and cares about the damage she's done to you and the kids.
I
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agree, but am not sure how to approach this. The plan I'm working on is to tell her I'm feeling nervous again and am having trust issues (without trying to accuse her of anything), and ask for reassurance. At that point she will have the opportunity to alleviate my fears or not. But I think it's the only way I'll be able to trust her again, as much as I hate to admit it. I'll present a plan based on your guidelines. Honestly, I hope to not need to use it, but there a few good topics of conversations that can be had based on mundane findings (why are you still FB friends? Why didn't you uninstall that chat app?)
IMO, I would not tell her you feel scared, nervous, etc. Due to the nature of the WW, this is likely to cause her to feel discuss. (Sorry, I know it's harsh words.). She has to see you being a man's man, full of convidence in yourself (as a man). It doesn't mean you have confidence in the M or her.....just yourself. She is not turned on, or even care, that you feel nervous.
Study up on personal boundaries. They are set to protect you, help you feel safe, and calm your nervousness.
Right now, don't worry too much as to why she claims she wants to switch jobs. She must relocate her job as part of her process in breaking the addiction. She must end FB with OM, looking at his pictures, reading about him through other FB friends. She will never get over him as long as she does these things.
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This is my fear. She said she wants to work on the M to see if she can find feelings for me again. Red flag for me. especially since she told me that was stringing along the OM as a plan B because she "doesn't want to be a single mom."
Very possible, however, I can tell her it won't work. Feelings for you won't come back as long as she's holding OM in the wings. Even if she completely ends the A, as long as he's in her head, she won't feel desire for you. Women can have sex with a lot of men, but they will truly desire/love only one at a time. unfortunately, many a WW will tell her H she'll try and see if she feels anything, but it's a stall tactic.
You will think things are improving b/c you two are getting along better......even enjoying time as a family. Most WW's want the family time, but they don't want the sexual intimacy. We call it cake eating when they want the best of both worlds (family & OM).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
