less confused newbie 8

[Dawgs]

TL2,

Sadly, I am seeing that the W is also trying to treat me as someone who is standing in their way because she is out just for herself.

One of the biggest challenges I faced looking back now is that it takes some of us a while to make the behavioral change from seeing our spouse as our spouse and start seeing them as an adversary who is primarily out for himself/herself.

Unfortunately, that is a challenge that took me far too long to realize. My W is just biding her time until she gets to the new base so she can "start over." I never wanted to believe she would behave like that. Never. And part of me, even after all this time, still doesn't. How stupid is that?

I think that my W fully believes that things are going to go her way with no fight from me. I don't want to fight, but I will do what it takes. Whatever it takes. That's my new mantra.

[Fogg]

A L will know what you can and can't do about the guns. I laughed a bit when you said she said you two would need to sell everything to split, even when I doubt that would be needed. I'm sure that would mess up many of her items also and shes not even thinking about that. We talked about these bully tactics in other threads. Our W's know us intimately and know what we fear. They know what buttons to push to make us jump and go along with what they want. Usually it's all bs and they know it but are otherwise powerless to get exactly what they want. Telling you that you don't need a L and if you don't agree with her terms you will need to sell all your items, even some family guns? Yeah, she's playing you right there.

I can see both of you have some comments that you will remember. It will fuel your anger at what's happening and you will remember them. "I'm a single woman with no attachments to anyone and can do anything I want" am while talking to OM, and "the decision to divorce you was the easiest decision I ever had to make" are Teo of the ones that are burned into my memory from early in the year. You guys don't know who your W's are and the way they act is making you sick, angry. Your entering a rough place where that anger will want to consume you and you will want to lash out at them. You will need to keep controlling your actions and resist that anger. Resist being cold and a dick to them. I understand how easy it will be but understand it won't help anything and it won't make you feel better for more than a moment.

I've been through the repulsed phases with W where I wanted to hate her. Where I didn't want her in my life at all, where I wanted to see her suffer for everything she's done. Even where o couldn't imagine ever being with her again. Just remember feelings change all the time and it's very likely you may feel different in another month or two or six so continue to act like the men you want to be regardless of what they are doing.

[dday]

Thanks guys. Fogg, I do still hope to see the "old" version of my w again. I am fighting the angry and hurt feelings. I am going to be as dark as I can, with hopes that it will help my sanity and give her a chance to miss me.

Manipulation, never thought that it would be like that. And the insult. wow. Now I need to remember that she is hurt and scared and confused, etc.

I would take the old her back in a heartbeat, but she has a ways to go to reach that point again. It's her work to do, and her road to walk. I want my kids to live in a happy, healthy home with BOTH parents. Not my call right now though.

[dday]

Fogg, I need to live your tagline. It is perfect right now. Tonight at kid swap is the first time I will see her since her paperwork and insults were delivered. And the first time since I feel like I can/have dropped the rope. Wish me luck

[Fogg]

I wouldn't worry if or when you dropped the rope, if you keep chasing the moment you "drop it" it's likely to be just outside your grasp anyway. Ive been back and forth on that so many times in the past I stopped using the term for the most part. Besides, once you get to that point you won't really care your there anyway.

Good luck with kid swap.

[dday]

Thanks fogg. At swap I didn't go in the house, left the car running. W wanted to do the friend thing again. She is not honoring my wishes of not acting as friends. Tried to talk about dentist, shopping, puppies, everything that I would have been happy to talk to my wife about, if she wanted to be my wife. I had very short responses and got in the car.

Ps, she looked very good. Form fitting clothes, etc. WTH is with her? I was supposed to give her the seperation proposal back with my notes, but she didn't bring it up and I want a little more time anyway. More mixed signals/manipulation/?

[mutatio]

Maybe she is struggling with her selfish decision to blow up her family and is feeling guilty about it. So she is trying to be your friend so she can fool herself into thinking he's okay so it's okay. Do you think this is what she's doing?

The best thing you can do now is to move on with your life. She will either come to her senses or not. Be strong

[gs9]

dday,
she doesn't even know what she is doing so you're likely to drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. \
Be strong. The best dday you can be. Don't worry about her. and of course this is therapy for me too.

[dday]

You guys are right. Stop trying to figure anything out. I hope she is feeling guilty. She should be, because she is destroying a lot. But, I can't do anything about it.

Hope she does come to her senses.

Back to my boys, and my sanity!

Thanks g and mutatio. Happy thanksgiving

[Ancaire]

D - I adore you, little brother! I want the best for you...and the best, right now? Walk away. She wants to keep you close, but not that close. Your W is clearly one of those who won't appreciate what she has until it's gone. So the solution is simple; be gone. It's harder for you with such young children, but you can do it. She'll either come around, or not.

One thing I know for certain is that you deserve someone who is wonderful to you. I'm learning the same, D. It's hard, but we can do this! Let 'em go. They'll either come back, or not. I would've begged for another chance last month. Now? Not so much. I want and deserve someone who is at least as willing to fight for me as I am for them. I'm not ready to date...You're not ready to date, either. But we can clear the clutter so that when the day comes for a new R, whether it is with our current S or not, we'll be ready.

You're not in this alone, D. So many of us are here walking this lonely path with you. And as we we've found, we're not so alone after all, right little brother? You're a great, caring father. You're a wonderful, supportive friend. You've done your best to grow and change. Keep doing what's best for you. Give those precious boys an extra cuddle on my behalf?