Taking Joy!

[LoisB]

Finished newspaper. Graphics guy is still working before sending pages... But, I'm done and can't go home.

Sent Matt a text with some boundaries.

The girls got really riled up... and so did I with this last episode.

Said... His showing up disrupts our lives. We are doing well and I will not have that happening. And, I mentioned that keeping a connection with his kids via Google Earth is a bit disturbing. I will listen WHEN... he has sought medical tx, expresses some humility beyond just words, shows some action...

He tried to hook me by saying, "Ok. I will leave you alone now."

Instead of doing my ol' "Don't go!"

I said, "Ok. Your choice. I respect that."

Googled two meetings for tonight... Nar-Anon in Asheville. Al-anon in the town where we live. I have the choice of either... OR, another D.A. meeting.

Thinking I need some family-of-an-alkie support for this week though.

Feel that pull to reach out to him. I know it will go away. So sad when he touches base, but... you know. The girls and I all express the same feeling... Want that person we love to get the help he needs. Want him to go away and leave us the EFF alone. Want him to follow-through. The scab gets ripped open again and we feel the pain of the wound like it's new.

Dreamt he was in our lives, but not. Louisa and I were at a park here in Asheville. An Army serviceman was on a distant bench smoking a huge joint.

So painful to be forced to turn him away, because it's the right thing to do for me and the kids. Cal was in tears. Louisa clinging to me. I was having difficulty focusing. Lost all of Sunday. It's not worth it for me anymore. Been there and done that. Not worth it, when he's only offering some words... No action.

He was actually fairly nice in response.

The co-dependent urge to fix him is passing. Taking so long though. I need to strengthen the resolve with help from others who love addicts. It will be good for Louisa and Cal too.

Going to try to work in a nap before the meeting though!