Nobody Can Drag Me Down

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks to everyone for swinging by. I'm wearing organ shifting skinny jeans today so excuse me if I gasp for air periodically.

What up? Work, kids, friends, working out, family...Just trying to enjoy life. This time of year is a bit sketchy because I always realize x Mr. GB was out and waiting for BD. Oh well. I try not to think of him too often (well he isn't around very much) and when I see him I think, "Shazaam! Old boy looks BEAT!" Hanging with the college posse does that.

Had a fun trip to NYC, Santa Cruz, and getting ready to hang with the x ILs for Thanksgiving. I've read where many of you are dating. I think that's awesome. I sometimes think that perhaps because I had been in relationships for 20 years (or at least dating someone) then I'm just not that interested. Maybe I like being alone? I mean, theoretically, I think I would like someone, however, I don't have much time to date. Admittedly, I'm a little jaded, and well, I don't know. It's more interesting to watch others and I appreciate their enthusiasm. I suppose one day I might be interested....I suppose? It's a complicated feeling. It's the way I feel and I assume one day I will feel differently...whatever that may be.

I have found that I transfer one behavior for another. When I think I want to binge and purge, sometimes I will be very flirty...aggressively flirty. However, it is also like I subconsciously pick people that I know are "safe" for me to behave that way...be it far away, out of town, etc......I can't explain it. I won't get detailed because the behavior is out of character for me, and it is just some way I behave on occasion. I still like attention (just like my 5 yr old and dog:), however, the need is not as strong.

The other day, I had the best day. No particular reason. I laughed a ton. Had fun with the kids. Snuggled with them. We dressed the dog up in his ugly Christmas sweater and listened to good music. It was just a good day. And that is what I try to focus on. Enjoying life and trying to be the best I can. I have no desire to "market" myself (no offense to anyone-I know all about the popularity of online dating. I work in tech:)I am thrilled for peeps who are out and dating. I think it's awesome!!!) to anyone right now and sometimes wonder if I ever will. And I just think that for me, perhaps I need to focus on fulfillment elsewhere for right now. Although some days I think I am da shizzle. That crazy ego thing!

One thing I think I have realized is that the middle changes and the end result is the end result. I have no regrets of trying to save my marriage, although occasionally, I think "What if I had asked him to leave on BD day?" Well, the end would be the same. Middle might have changed.

It is hard some days. Some days I wish it would rain skittles and margaritas and then I realize it's this one shot I have at life and I will enjoy it as best I can. Which circles me back to that confusing place of should I try to date? And then I wonder why? Or what would I really be looking for? I dunno. I probably sound crazy.

It does get better. Laughing and being authentic helps (even if I sound crazy in my authentic). Hugs and I am thankful for so much this holiday season...and every day. XO