Hi tfish, so sorry you find yourself here but welcome to the board, you are among friends who care and want to help you through this.
my h was military, came out a few years ago. He recently said that he has felt the loss of leaving; he had structure and stability, he had camaraderie and life long bonds, a family. Coming away from that and having to adjust to a "Normal" life is not an easy task. This is not an excuse for anything your h is doing, but just wanted to add a perspective that you may not have thought of.
Its so hard when h is confusing you so much, one minute up, the next down, you will get sick of hearing the word detach, but its what you really have to do to get through what he is likely to throw at you.
Try not to take anything he does or says personally, it really is not about you, right now he is angry, frustrated and confused inside, he will most likely throw some really horrible negative stuff your way and if you believe it all then you will sink yourself, don't let him do this to you, believe in your own self worth.
You mentioned you feel you have read a bit to much lately - knowledge is power, it will help you understand what you h is going through and what to expect. I also suggest reading as many threads as you can on here, post on them to draw others to your thread, that way you will get different viewpoints and support. There may be some that you feel are similar to you, it is a comfort to know that you are not going through this alone. The vets here are great, listen to them - they have got me through many a dark time and helped me work through various situations that I have come across.
