Wayward Wife, my addiction, advice needed

[trumpet]

Time to journal...

Meeting with pastor went well. An hour and a half later, though, and the W admitted that yes, she had an EA that became physical briefly, but nothing sexual. She is still contacting OM, which I suspected. Counselor was not happy about that, as he wanted to meet with the understanding that we both had issues we were ready to move past. I am committed to having a hour a week with pastor/counselor, and a half hour a day working on marriage. Wife is not.

Supposedly, she WAS in favor of MC, until I did have a breakdown last week. After meeting with pastor the first time by herself, she came back from the meeting not sorry, but seemingly emboldened to continue in the EA. Still in the same bedroom, I let my emotions get the best of me, and did tell her that she's a cheater, among other things. It was the first time I truly showed her the anger that was inside of me because of the EA, and the PA she had 3 years ago. It was a low point for me in the last month.

We conversed for a half hour w/o kids last night, and then got ready for bed. She came down the stairs crying for the first time in a month. She mentioned she needs to talk to someone about all of this, and that she is just very confused. All her 'friends' including her mom have told her she'd be better off without me, and have made her EA something that should be acceptable and OK in today's society. I disagree, and told her so. It's wrong, it puts us in an open relationship, and I will not be in an open relationship. We have other friends who value marriage like we used to, so I'm hoping she goes to talk to one of those friends in the next couple days. She's starting to understand she's getting bad advice from those she's talk to about us in the past.

I asked her if she was in my shoes, would she put up with an EA/PA from me? She let that sink in, and agreed she wouldn't accept it.

My DR book is in the mail.

She's still upset that I didn't sleep in the same bed as her for 5 days. I explained to her that's like complaining the knick-knacks aren't dusted while the house burns to the ground. To her, it's disrespectful. I agreed that it could look like that, but I was uncomfortable being in the same bed for her over the last few days, and my being with her in the same room, knowing the EA was still going on was uncomfortable for me.

I agreed to sleep in the same bedroom now. It feels like I keep giving, and she hasn't moved from the EA. Tough love might mean moving out, and I told her it's a possibility.

I also mentioned the NC letter, but pastor and wife thought that I should also write a letter, but since I don't have anyone to send it to, that I would be expecting too much of my wife. That was upsetting. Still think it needs to happen for OM to stop contact... but maybe the wife will need to come to that realization and want to save the M, so in due time?

Any advice from DB land? Thank you to all that have replied already.