Thanks for all the support today. I feel so blessed to have a place where I can share and friends know me and the sitch AND understand what this is like.
-Job, not going backwards. Promise. Won't do that to the girls. Not an option. Came through too much to go backwards. Based upon past experience, he surfaces and goes under again. -Ellie, this is some ride. Im glad you pushed me hard to get the legal stuff handled. This is so SO DIFFERENT knowing the money/retirement won't shift when the wind blows again. I'm not bringing up 12 steps right now. This is his gig now, not mine. I'm no longer his wife. -Bright- thanks for being curious too!! Haven't asked. Three years ago, I wouldn't be able to resist the urge. Now... I have my own life and she doesn't really matter one way or the other... Just curious. -Brook!!! Love you lady and miss you too. Promise, no easy way back into my heart... Not after the Hitler regime.
Sotto and Ha, Thanks for dropping by!!!! Things get easier. I promise. You will learn you have strength you never imagined.
Ha, I love how spot on you are with your man-boy. You both seem to have a handle on this and perspective which takes many of us years to develop.
Sotto, I admire how you have pushed through the stuff you don't want. This shows amazing strength to let go when you don't want to. When you want to hold onto a pant leg for dear life.
Matt gave us all the gift of a glimpse into the other side today. Appearances are deceiving. He signed D papers less than three months ago. Masked depression is cunning and don't imagine for a minute your spouse is happy. OW doesn't matter. She is a convenient and temporary solution to a permanent problem. Not someone of any significance.
What I learned from this episode: He is alcoholic, but that didn't kill our marriage. I have problems with money and other imperfections, but that didn't kill our marriage. This man has a hole in his heart he has tried to fill and hasn't found the source of a problem which started long before we met...THAT KILLED OUR MARRIAGE.
He said it himself. I'm still hurting. I miss you guys every day. I ask God what He wants from me. What he still can't face honestly is the evil of his behavior.
This is almost four years since he left... Jan. 2012
BD: I was told I was a burden to him. Today: he was worried he was bothering me. HE was a burden to me. Four years almost to the day.
Last edited by LoisB; 11/23/1504:19 AM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Wow Lois, you know the most impassioned thing H said to me a few months after BD was he had a hole right in the middle of his heart and he felt empty...
Very interesting to read what you wrote above.
Sounds like you are doing well and take care. xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Heather you are an inspiration! I've read a lot of your threads. You have been through so much and have come so far ... keep moving forward. You are doing great!!! I'm in awe of you! xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks Butterfly. Don't feel like much of an inspiration. I have plenty of my own shid to wade through...
So, I was thinking of how to describe what it's like when the active addict/MLc-er has a moment of clarity and comes back into my already frazzled ADD-riddled life:
-Like Ol Yeller wanting to cuddle on your bed after he eats Grandma.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You have made some big changes for yourself and really seemed to be focusing on you, and not on him so much. You drew him back in a bit, but please, try not to get immersed in his stuff again. He is so far from becoming the man that you and your daughter can have in your life in a healthy manner. Keep moving forward. Keep making your life the best it could be.
Ended up calming Cal down last night til two am. The call from her dad really got her spinning. Idk. She was sobbing--half hating him and half worried he will kill himself. He sent her a weird text apology like he does us.
Have had a couple people express concern over the FB stalking and suggest I block him. Idk.
Finished my copy for this week's paper, did a good job, talked to Matt (he called about Cal), made chili, hung out with housemates for a bit, looked for pants for Louisa, went to a DA mtg...talked Cal down from her convo/interaction with Matt--handled Louisa's clinginess--also par for the course when he appears... It's so exhausting.
He is really crazy isn't he? I'm beginning to see it. I mean he is wacko. Stalker wacky. Or am I just overly tired? He reads my FB page for info on his kids, on me. He uses Google earth to see where we live. Cal was sobbing because he went months not knowing her address, but looking us up on Google. He is frustrated--he told Cal--because he can't see our house tucked in the mountains. It's all so weird.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Finished newspaper. Graphics guy is still working before sending pages... But, I'm done and can't go home.
Sent Matt a text with some boundaries.
The girls got really riled up... and so did I with this last episode.
Said... His showing up disrupts our lives. We are doing well and I will not have that happening. And, I mentioned that keeping a connection with his kids via Google Earth is a bit disturbing. I will listen WHEN... he has sought medical tx, expresses some humility beyond just words, shows some action...
He tried to hook me by saying, "Ok. I will leave you alone now."
Instead of doing my ol' "Don't go!"
I said, "Ok. Your choice. I respect that."
Googled two meetings for tonight... Nar-Anon in Asheville. Al-anon in the town where we live. I have the choice of either... OR, another D.A. meeting.
Thinking I need some family-of-an-alkie support for this week though.
Feel that pull to reach out to him. I know it will go away. So sad when he touches base, but... you know. The girls and I all express the same feeling... Want that person we love to get the help he needs. Want him to go away and leave us the EFF alone. Want him to follow-through. The scab gets ripped open again and we feel the pain of the wound like it's new.
Dreamt he was in our lives, but not. Louisa and I were at a park here in Asheville. An Army serviceman was on a distant bench smoking a huge joint.
So painful to be forced to turn him away, because it's the right thing to do for me and the kids. Cal was in tears. Louisa clinging to me. I was having difficulty focusing. Lost all of Sunday. It's not worth it for me anymore. Been there and done that. Not worth it, when he's only offering some words... No action.
He was actually fairly nice in response.
The co-dependent urge to fix him is passing. Taking so long though. I need to strengthen the resolve with help from others who love addicts. It will be good for Louisa and Cal too.
Going to try to work in a nap before the meeting though!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I have attended meeting for many years They are very helpful to detach and let go a lot of friendship there and support
You set some good firm boundaries and you are right we can't FIX them .. the solution is there,,they can see it ,but many don't want to get sober and clean they will get clean when they hit their bottom
It is impossible to have a relationship with an active addict It is better to understand the disease so you can protect yourself and teach your kids Like your situation, my XH was also sober for many years..I believe her relapsed when he hit MLC or who knows what came first
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
