Lost Hope (5)

[JulieH]

Thanks again mustard seed. I know it's his obligation. I Dont understand why he does not see this... He has left his family for his in laws to support and provide for. He feels like we are doing ok because we have family to help. We lack for nothing, but my family did not choose to get married and have kids. He did. If I i told you his level of education and salary you would be shocked. In my mind, this type of behavior occurs in fathers that are in and out of prison and gangs etc. I just don't understand where it comes from and want to know why.

I really can't comprehend the level of selfishness. Especially the past 2 years. because he was not like this before. How can someone change this much? Or perhaps he was like this...and I reacted to it in past and we argued and built up resentments. Or perhaps I just was in denial. He told me I don't see us as incompatible because in past I was happy because I always got my way and he suffered to keep peace.

Or Maybe he was asking these same questions about me after the kids were born and after miscarriages. ( I was no angel either...although at the time I thought I was reacting to his selfishness and there is some truth to that, but only some)

But I have to remind myself. He left. I didn't.

More importantly I have to remind myself that when I think about him, I feel like I'm mentally stuck in quicksand. I come up with all these diagnosis and scenarios in past and made up scenarios in future. And what's the point. They get me no where!!!! These whys are just emotional baggage that is draining me.

But when I think of me and kids and work and the people on this site I am filled with hope. I need more GAL to occupy me with. New friends would be great, but really hard with the kids. I need to keep focused on me. I understand what this means more and more and just need to implement and learn how to change my thought patterns.