Black and white

[Zues126]

Thanks for dropping by and for the ray of Florida sunshine! It's getting cold up here in MN and it's nice to know there are still alligators by the pond elsewhere.

I have realized that much of my exhaustion comes from the boulder I am carrying. The same that many of you are as well. It is the boulder of pain, fear, and anger. It has been so long. So long that I sometimes don't realize I am carrying it, because it just seems like this is the way life is. And to be fair I have battled some demons all of my life. Despair has always been something I've had to fend off. I vividly remember things being dark as a child, and dark during my marriage. I remind myself of this because I don't think the divorce is necessarily at the center, but rather the current weapon this demon has chosen to attack with. The result is that day after day I am exhausted, and I realize now that much of my energy is just in fighting this battle in the background at all times. Like a computer that runs slow because of a virus scan. I am perpetually tired. Barely able to keep up with life's demands. Instead of bubbling with creative energy and making miracles happen in my world, I am staggering around and trying to keep from collapsing. And it's been an awfully long time since I've felt free of this. I've even thought about medicating just to get a break, but it just doesn't appeal to me. I know the way out of this has to be through good decisions, and even if my lot in life is to suffer for some reason, at least I'll be able to sleep at night knowing I walked the path as best I could.

This ties into my prior post. I realize that part of my problem is which customers I am working with. In any business there is a bell curve of problem customers and customers that will be a pleasure to work with. The funny thing is the customers that are the worst to work with are the hardest to do business with. They have the fewest needs, the smallest budget, and in general are less professional and cause more drama. Bigger corporations have deeper needs, professionals designated to work with their business partners, and the profitability is quite a bit higher. So really the answer to my work problems is pretty clear- put more energy into developing relationships that will allow me to spend more time with the right customers. This will increase my job satisfaction and income substantially.

The hard part is making that happen. It takes a lot of energy, and it involves getting way out of your comfort zone. Discipline, thick skin, and persistence. The catch 22 is that you need to do this the most when you don't feel like doing it at all. If I had the business humming along great and I was on cloud 9 I would be more positive and it wouldn't be so hard to keep the machine running. But when you're broken and on your back and don't feel like getting out of bed it's hard to throw yourself into a scary situation and take on tough battles. Particularly when you don't HAVE to. What I mean is that I'm still doing "ok", meeting my goals, paying my bills. So there is nothing forcing me to do this other than not wanting to accept mediocrity, and knowing that this is who I am, what I am here to do, and that it will bring financial and personal rewards that I want to achieve. I see what needs to be done. It is hard. I don't want to have to do it right now. But you have to make the fire before you get the smoke. Feelings aside, I know I need to take this on.

So the question is how can I overcome this? Well, clearly it's just a matter of taking action. I get this. So when I tell you what I'm about to tell you, don't think I'm looking for a shortcut. It's really not. It's actually me trying to figure out what resources I need to involve to accomplish my targets.

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with my hypnotist. I say 'mine', I met with her once before about 5 years ago for help with my pool game. Let me immediately dispel the myth of what I'm trying to accomplish. A hypnotist doesn't really DO anything. It's not like I'm being programmed to be a pool playing machine, or a sales machine. For those who haven't done this, consider it a very powerful guided meditation. She is going to hypnotize me and make a recording that I can listen to each morning. Maybe 20 minutes long. The content will be about gradually opening up the closet door and seeing the pain, the fear, the anger, really experiencing all of it...then choosing to let it go for the day, and see what's left in it's place. Then thinking about my goals. What I am trying to accomplish. Seeing it crystal clear. Thinking about the steps I will need to take to accomplish them. Then recognizing the doubts and fears that I will be faced with along the way. Finally picturing myself choosing to accept those fears and release those fears. Picturing myself doing this, and taking the actions I need to take. Then feeling the success that comes, both financial and personal, but mostly the unencumbered feeling that comes from letting this go and taking control over this part of my life. Finally there will be something in there about ramping up my energy levels. Feeling the excitement and passion that is there when the fears are gone. And letting that build so that it overpowers any negative emotions in my way, and that gets me tingling, ready to spring out of bet, and let loose that energy to make each day impactful.

At least this is my rough outline. I'll let her give me feedback.

The point is that right now I live in fear alot, am quite tired, and have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. My hope is that instead of having to jump right into the shower and start reacting to my day- by listening to this each morning I will be able to have a few minutes under my covers, but dealing with the things that I'm fighting with, and building up my momentum, so that when the recording is over I feel present, unburdened, and ready to start making great things happen.

I have used a recording for my pool playing in the past. It was very powerful because it allowed me some very good checkpoints where I could regroup and get refocused and refreshed in between a lot of high pressure and fatiguing matches. I am optimistic that this can be an aide in helping me fight my fights. Again, ultimately I have to do what I have to do. It will be all me doing it. As I said, this is just a little help to get started on the path, like a workout partner helps get that first step of showing up to the gym accomplished.

Anyway that appointment is tomorrow. I'll let you know how the week goes.

I know, I know, if I have time left in the recording I'll make sure she hypnotizes me so that every time a telephone rings I think I'm an alligator...