Pho's thread- things that I have learned

[Calibri]

Pho,

I could've written this post myself. My stbx filled the script on me: I had bipolar, he had assigned 30 years of rage against me (yet we were only together for 10), he was attracted to me BUT didn't love me and would "never allow himself to open his heart to me because of all the damage and abuse I put him through."

Pho, I'm not a professional, I don't know what you're going through - I'm only armchair psychology here. But my healthy guess is that he's projecting everything that he feels onto you. That's what my stbx did, he didn't want to accept that he was ill, so I became the one who was ill. He didn't want to look at the issues of his foo, so it was on me.

I've heard almost word for word what you've heard, and it damn near killed me. The last year of my life almost killed me. I became a shadow of myself. I nearly lost my job, my health, everything. I understand that you love your husband, I do, dear heart. But saving your marriage at the expense of yourself, is not worth it. I may have the unpopular opinion here, but that's my own opinion. I know you want your family together, I know you're standing tall, but you can't do it if you have to sacrifice yourself. There's a big difference between becoming a better person and falling on a grenade.

I will share with you, what my stbx shared with me a few weeks ago. And it's really helped me. He told me that while I was hurting now, that one day I was going to be better off, and that I would thank him. Of course I was like, "erg is this bullshit!?!? This is a cop out, script, etc."

And then he told me his thoughts. He has a difficult form of mental illness that he hasn't yet been able to get under control. He is volatile, and unsafe. Even when he (hopefully) one day will be stable, the chance that he will derail (for a lack of better words) is there, not an if, but rather when. His mother is ill and will never seek help, she will always get worse. His dad will always look the other way because he's too afraid to see what the reality is (mentally ill, alcoholic, drug addict wife destroyed their family, his own sons are now destroying their respective families). His family will never support me (in fact, are incomplete denial of his illness and did not help me at all when he first was sick and needed help) and won't support him in healthy ways. STBX told me that he knew I would follow him to the ends of the earth, and that I would sacrifice myself for a relationship and for him because of my vows and my love for him. And he wasn't going to let me do it. He point blank said, "Calibri, you will never feel secure, you will always be walking on egg shells with me, even if I get stable. You'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And what kind of life is that? A life of cleaning up messes, of monitoring me to make sure I'm taking my meds. Of turning the other cheek with my parents and their abuse? Of weathering a storm with the hopes that's you'll see glimpses of the man you married once in awhile?" He told me, "you are a strong, beautiful, phenomenal woman who deserves everything in life. And right now, I can't give that to you."

It hurt like a bitch.

But it was absolutely the truth. I would be on pins and needles my whole life, waiting for the meds to stop working. I would be cleaning up messes. I would be suffering nastiness from his mother - because I loved him. But the truth is, he's no longer the person I married. And while I would've gone to hell and back, it would've been at my expense, and the payout, for a lack of better words - wouldn't be there.

Sweet Pho, I admire your strength and courage. I admire your determination. My question to you is this: say H gets his [censored] together. Say he gets "better" - then what? Are you going to be able to put this all behind you? Will you be able to trust that he's openly and honestly communicating with you and not your MIL? Will you be waiting for the other shoe to drop? H may get better. But it's my understanding that things like this can come back, and worse.

There's a lot of unknown here. But Pho, you have to save yourself. Let H go out to sea, and sink if he needs to. Let him go. For you, for your children, for your sanity.

Let him go. Whatever that may look like.