Ep, he leaves in January. Right after the holiday. On the bright side, this is helping me detach. The "crazy" thing is the book he is reading is a book I read years ago trying to find help for dealing with his mother. He refused to read it then, now he is reading it and applying it all to me. Also on the bright side he apologized for the affair and the months of spew. That is huge. But he said he is still angry and not over the 25 years of BPD tactics I put him through over the last 25 years.
I know you all don't "know" me and I could write anything and portray myself any way I want on this forum, but I swear I am not BPD. I am/was reactive. I did have a very hard time listening to H without escalating into an argument. I did use emotional language and cry easily. I have stable friendships and family relationships, never abused substances (maybe a little too much vodka in college, but just for the first 3 semesters, then I cracked down and studied and earned a 4.0 GPA nearly every semester), I am not a thrill seeker or a drama seeker, I am a very quiet homebody person, kind of introverted, content to be home with my kids and friends and the quiet life. I am not what he says. Yes, I am reactive. I am praying that he is picking up on some of my reactive qualities and running a little crazy with this as a theory and will come to realize that is all it is. But we are almost a year into this. He should be further along his "path of enlightenment", still so far off the mark.
I will not react. But I am really starting to doubt the sanity of staying with someone who repeatedly tells me that he does not love me. I asked him if he is still attracted to me "I am VERY attracted to you." That is something at least.
In other news, SIL is not going to the IL's for Thanksgiving. I heard some undercurrents of drama there (I am out of the loop, thank God, but I catch little bits, not enough to fill in the blanks but after so many years I know the dynamics.) BIL will be there alone. (IL's do not like SIL and they all avoid each other as best as possible.) I am wondering if I should just let H take my kids and I can go to a friends. That would be a huge 180. Would that be making too much of a statement? My concern is that the conversation would be all about me in front of my children, and my absence would appear to all extended family as though we are really separated which is what FIL and MIL has been pushing for, and also being there gives me a chance to plaster a smile on my face and demonstrate the epitome of grace and patience and family togetherness.
I am not sure what to do. I am one big step closer to detachment.
