I have learned not to talk about the R, and I also learned that as much as I know this I can still screw up and talk about the R, in which case I WILL regret it.
Feeling hopeless after last nights talk. I "lost it" and cried, H asked what was wrong, I told him my heart was broken and I just wanted to work together to fix the relationship already, I am exhausted and I am sad and I want to move forward. He told me he has come to the conclusion that I have borderline personality disorder and that he has 25 years of rage and resentment to work through because of my treatment towards him. OK. Wish I had cried in the bathroom quietly and came out when my eyes were dried as I usually do, didn't need to hear that. At least he said it in a calm manner.
I couldn't really validate that, but I did listen, reacted more than I should have but didn't get out of control, said I am sorry that I hadn't been listening to him and respecting his viewpoint all along, I am sure I don't have BPD but I am open to the possibility that some of our dynamics and communication skills might have some similarities to what he is reading about, and I am open to listening and thinking about it for the sake of our relationship.
He reiterated that he does not love me. He said he cares, he is attracted to me, he has "some" empathy, but he does not trust me and cannot talk to me. I thanked him for sharing and for letting me know where I stand.
I am being "set up" to be blamed for everything. I see the writing on the wall. He has his theory to use against me, so that I will be the scapegoat and he can walk away feeling like the victim.
I am trying to act on my plan and not my emotions. My mind is blown. Almost a year into this. My mind is completely blown.
I just googled BPD and its not even close. The only symptom that describes me is intense emotional reactions, and the only time I have those is when fighting with H in response to HIS intense reactions, and I have learned since BD to stop those. Not one of the other symptoms is even close to describing me!
