She sent texts about S's game to family group. S replied briefly. Am I doing the right thing by trying to have little or no contact? In the book it talks about accepting some invitations from partner when they seem interested but as S wouldn't to and she still is with OM it seems more like cake eating. How do you show partner you are GAL if you go dark? This week I probably won't go to class with her as I have a works lunch beforehand so don't want to turn up with my guard down! Also thought it would be good to extend the NC a little. It has only been five weeks. Is near silence the way to go or will she think I've changed in a negative way? She's used to me being friendly and loving but now when she texts me I limit myself to the minimum response. When you don't see someone you have no ideas what they are thinking or feeling.
I think the GAL Is more for you and for your sanity go out meet new people become desirable again have fun and you may stop thinking so much about the W
Believe me I am the absolute worst at taking my own advice and I overthink just about everything
Detaching is hard very hard and we cling on to anything that we can be it a hug or a kiss a touch of the arm a smile a txt or a phone call any sign that she may still hold a glimmer of love for us ...we will hold on to it .
I am working on trying not to blame myself for everything ...sure she will say it is all my fault but that as we know is BS
Just today I was getting my toddler dressed and my w came up to the bedroom and sat on my bed of cause my daughter seeing her mummy decides that she no longer wants to be with daddy and goes to mummy for hugs
I was so close to saying something to my W start some relationship conversation
I am dead to her she feels NOTHING towards me
The sooner I STFU the better I feel
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Hi Scrant, I don't think 'accept some invites etc' really applies in your situation. I think you are in LRT territory as you have S and your W is living with OM.
Have a look that that section again and follow the advice there. Ask yourself - if I was really enjoying my new single life, how would I be interacting with my W? To me, that looks like not even noticing you have a text for a few hours and replying briefly but pleasantly if it is a business thing. Aim for brief, pleasant and a little distant - rather than curt. But I wouldn't respond to 'non-essential' texting as I do think your W is trying to cake eat and I think you've enabled that with the kissing and hugging (don't intend any offense here....just saying..)
So, have a good look at what LRT entails and apply that to the letter. I think GB posted a helpful link to LRT in a post to Jpeg recently...
Take care
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for all the advice. Sandi I've read your thread many times and I can see some of W's behavior there. She does want to live in a fantasy world where she has OM and then us to do "family" things. Whenever I met her she always makes at least one suggestion for an activity for the three of us. She doesn't see me as an enemy, she wants me to be the " best friend". Sotto And Ghost I agree that I'm enabling and looking for signs. I guess part of the problem is when I read LRT it doesn't really tell you how to deal with W's interest in seeing you when she still is with OM. I want to try to GAL for me and wait and see how her r works out. Nobody in her own family can see it lasting.
Sitting here with her Aunt and Sister after lunch at my house. Talking and realized that W expects to spend New Year's Eve all in family. New Year's Day is her birthday . I'm a bit freaked out to be honest. OM? Really don't understand it.
Finding it tough when her sister says W's having a bad time. I had to say she's left me I can't do anything about it. Bad day. Sister in law didn't go to her house. For dinner last night as the invitees were all work companions his age, late 50s. Don't know what to think.
Scrant, I can see how that would be difficult but I agree with the others on the hugs and kisses. It's obvious your W still have an attachment to you and she really needs to learn that you will not accept the behavior she keeps putting you through.
If you do want your W back in your life a few things will need to happen. She will have have to figure out her own issues and that's out of your control. She will have to feel a legitimate fear she can lose you and you will have to grow and get to a place where you no longer accept this behavior from her. The cycle will continue if not That you will not be the side plan always waiting for her after she has an A and you are moving to show her through your actions. Don't worry so much about wanting to stay connected with her and sharing with her. Look at it ad thr only way to a healthy relationship with her is to let her go and don't be her lifeline until she commits to you and only you. You can do this with love and strength without being cold toward her. Doing good so far, just work on the physical signs of affection to her.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I know New Year's Eve is way off but I don't know what to do. Our most immediate family is sister in law and W's aunt. They don't want to spend the night at OM's place. We were intending to spend it either at sister's or mine. Now I hear that W wants to be with us. Her birthday is the next day. ( 1 January). I can't believe on such emotional days she isn't going to be with OM. My initial response to Sister and Aunt was no, that I wasn't going to be a substitute for OM on family occasions. Sister tried to say that plenty of separated people meet up for days like these. We've agreed to talk about at a later date. Haven't contacted W about it but I'm sure my opinion will get back to her. She'll know her family spent the afternoon having a great time with S. I sent videos and photos to her dad who lives far away and likes to hear about grandson.
