Weeding and watering

[Vanilla]

Msd,

It is like this, the charm etc is fake too, it is WH with a mask and then it slips again and you are reminded.

I call it the sweet cycle. It is designed to entrap you.

It really doesn't matter who WH was, it matters who he is now. How he is today.

Let it be as it is, learn move on. It is transient, remember whatever he calls you is as he is about himself. He calls himself a bad parent, smile you know the truth, and in the long term your private knowledge will be a public truth.

V

[Ancaire]

I completely understand your feelings. Now that I've accepted there is no good reason at present to save this M, I want it all to be over...the pain, the hurt, the loss of self-esteem. I've got issues from before to work on, as well. I think it's going to take a lot of time to really work through it all.

I keep seeing references to codependency. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I remember the term used in relation to living with an alcoholic. I believe it would be a really good thing for me to learn about it. I suspect it might be a huge part of my problem. My life, every single bit of it, is tied in some way to H. This D is tearing me apart for that reason. I don't know how to move forward on my own. I also know that I need to figure that out in order to be a whole, healthy person. Does this sound like you at all? My identity is Judy, wife and mother. Judy, on her own is a shell. I think I've always been this way to an extent. I just never realized it before.

I understand how his actions and accusations make you question yourself, but work on that. You are wonderful and dear. Your H has some serious issues that he cannot face. It really isn't about you. He will not understand that, but I really hope you do. His need to feel better made him turn you into his scapegoat for all his bad behaviors. You probably have things to work on, but a truly loving spouse will not turn on another like that. My H is irritated witho our older kids for being upset by his behaviors, which are despicable. The fault? Mine. I should have kept his secrets, according to him. How dare the kids say anything?

I'm tired of thinking about H. There's no fixing him, or saving him. Me, however, I can do something about. Learn all I can to improve the way I see myself and how I interact with others, heal my body, heal from the emotional trauma, and reach a point of acceptance - these are areas I'm choosing to place my focus. I suspect a part of me will always love H. My belief is that makes me a person who does understand love, unconditional love. I feel badly for those people who don't understand the concept. What an unhappy life they lead.

[mustardseed]

SO right now I am coming across as needy and clingy.

I am trying to stay on the path I chose, which is to not hide and to be involved in the kids activities and appointments even on days that are not mine. But it is all being twisted into me trying to make uncomfortable situations for the kids. I am angry, at him for being such a dbag and at myself for slipping so far--for trying to play his game which I know I will never win. And I know I should have kept my mouth shut. I also know I never should have called him in the first place. I hope my D is not mad at me. She hasn't said anything, but from what H said my comment caused all sorts of drama. I know I can't fully believe him, but I also know that the story he will tell OW and their pocket full of friends who are all teachers I need to encounter if I want to stay involved in my children's education, will write me as a complete basket case.

And I want to fix it, but history has shown that the more I try to fix things the worse they get.

I don't know what to do at this point. All that I had going for me to get a leg up in court probably just slipped through my fingers. The sick thing is, I didn't even really do anything, I just didn't keep my mouth shut. But I know I look like an obsessive pot stirrer. I've been warned by many family members to not respond. By my IC to not respond. By my lawyer to not respond. By all of you wonderful people to go dark. And I manage it for a while, then I slip. Each time I feel like I slip deeper in. Solidifying H's image of who I am, no longer the kind, loving, fun woman he loved, but instead this obsessive passive/aggressive loser who can't accept he has moved on.

I hope it is just a wave passing. I hope I can once again be proud of who I am, confident and loving, but no longer foolishly trusting. And I hope that my kids will think of me that way, rather than the way H wants them to see me. Right now I don't know what they see. I struggle on the days that they are not with me.

I honestly feel as low today as I did back in the thick of the drama last spring. There was a light that came after that, and I am sure there is another one somewhere. Right now I will just have to hold on to the memory of a light until I find a new one.
I am so scared of the unknown right now and it is paralyzing.

Maybe these are all just weeds choking my seedling? Perhaps the dehydration I've experienced, the night sweats, the exhaustion that I gave into last night, is all alerting me to the need to turn the focus back on my self. I've been trying to stay busy with GAL which is a great distraction, but I wonder if I was trying a little too hard to do too much. My body needs me to slow down a bit and focus on my real needs. To take the focus off of what H and OW are up to, to let go of the guilt I feel for letting go of new friend, to not allow my shaken confidence to prevent me from finding work.

So what can I do today?
No contact.
Job search.
Go to the city to visit a sick relative.
Sleep.

[Mona52]

So what can I do today?
No contact.
Job search.
Go to the city to visit a sick relative.
Sleep.

I slashed the first one, because that has to be a no-brainer, just-do-not-contact-automatically thing and not a goal to work towards. You can totally do it. When you are about to contact, just post here. I know the feeling is overwhelming and the reasons for the contact are completely valid. just dont do it.

Job search, how exciting!! By the end of the day, your whole life could change. I cant wait tohear how it goes.

Sleep?? what is this word you used? Sleep... wait, I have heard of this once before, long long ago. If you find any, dump some in my thread please.

[Vanilla]

All of the reactions you show in your body are due to excess stress hormone Cortisol, I think so. Easily tested.

There is also impulse issues wth Cortisol, a desire to relieve the stress by reacting. It's something to do with excitation in the Amygdala although no one really understands it.

Your whole system needs calming so can you list those things that calm you?

We need a good long list of quick and cheap things to do.

In addition Msd, you will feel pulled back in, even I do that when confronted with WH rubbish.

It is of no matter, a temporary aberration, laugh at it and move on. Let go the rope of changing WH. Only he can do that anyway, and he likes his power.

You know this.

Can I suggest you read Zeldas last two threads?

You can see this is absolutely completely par for the sitch you are in. It is as it is, when the D is over and things are settled, then we can discuss subtle revenge tactics, just for the knowledge of it. Then you choose to do nothing but the half smile.

Get yourself a rubber band on your wrist and ping it when you are tempted. Then go write a plus, minus and interesting list.

Do you really care if it disrupts WH after D? Now yes of course, foot in mouth syndrome. Get over it, shrug it off, it's part of the process.

If this was Z, V or anc what would you say?

It's Blah, but in the grand scheme immaterial, WH is gone anyway, I doubt even perfect Msd stuff would change WH personality!!

V

[mustardseed]

So what can I do today?
No contact.
Job search.
Go to the city to visit a sick relative.
Sleep.

I slashed the first one, because that has to be a no-brainer, just-do-not-contact-automatically thing and not a goal to work towards. You can totally do it. When you are about to contact, just post here. I know the feeling is overwhelming and the reasons for the contact are completely valid. just dont do it.

Job search, how exciting!! By the end of the day, your whole life could change. I cant wait tohear how it goes.

Sleep?? what is this word you used? Sleep... wait, I have heard of this once before, long long ago. If you find any, dump some in my thread please.

So far so good in my plan. Internally I am still twisted and and deflated, but externally I am plowing through--acting as if--forcing myself to get the job done. I keep thinking back to last spring. If I was able to survive that chaos, I can certainly survive this. Thank you for your support.

All of the reactions you show in your body are due to excess stress hormone Cortisol, I think so. Easily tested.

There is also impulse issues wth Cortisol, a desire to relieve the stress by reacting. It's something to do with excitation in the Amygdala although no one really understands it.

Your whole system needs calming so can you list those things that calm you?

V, you are a wealth of information. It does make it easier for me to forgive myself when I understand the chemistry behind my careless actions. Now I have to learn to identify the chemical responses in my body so I can try to cut it off at the pass.

I usually feel better when I run, however after I am done I think there is too much adrenaline pumping that it makes things worse. It's like I go from Euphoria to crashing. The day this all went down I did an intense training run first thing in the morning and I felt very good, but the day ended so badly.

Walking is usually better for me. I cut alcohol out, and I am going to cut caffeine starting tomorrow.

We need a good long list of quick and cheap things to do.

In addition Msd, you will feel pulled back in, even I do that when confronted with WH rubbish.

It is of no matter, a temporary aberration, laugh at it and move on. Let go the rope of changing WH. Only he can do that anyway, and he likes his power.

You know this.

I do know this--most of the time. I need to know it all of the time.

Can I suggest you read Zeldas last two threads?

You can see this is absolutely completely par for the sitch you are in. It is as it is, when the D is over and things are settled, then we can discuss subtle revenge tactics, just for the knowledge of it. Then you choose to do nothing but the half smile.

I'm off to find her threads as soon as I am done with this post.

Get yourself a rubber band on your wrist and ping it when you are tempted. Then go write a plus, minus and interesting list.

Can you elaborate on this? I am not sure what a plus,minus,interesting list is.

Do you really care if it disrupts WH after D? Now yes of course, foot in mouth syndrome. Get over it, shrug it off, it's part of the process.

I am starting to see that. I spoke to the kids' therapist today because I was so worried that what H said might be true. She set my mind at ease.

If this was Z, V or anc what would you say?

It's Blah, but in the grand scheme immaterial, WH is gone anyway, I doubt even perfect Msd stuff would change WH personality!!

V

This is true. I can't change him. I am a better me without him. I think I am just scared right now. I don't have any security now that I am jobless and it is causing me to cling to the certainty of what I thought I had. The agency that I am supposedly working for has not had any work for me, and I am feeling desperate for other options. I am also being hard on myself. This isn't about love, it is about fear and loneliness. Probably with dual triggers of ending the distracting friendship, and realizing that I need work FAST. That created a stressful situation that triggered old habits. Next time I will try to be more aware of this and use more care with my responses.

[mustardseed]

Something I am realizing--which will help me not respond anymore--is that I am not even dealing with him anymore, but with a jealous OW.

I am done with the marriage, but no matter what I try to do to make for an amicable co-parent relationship gets twisted into some admonishing and very feminine sounding rant about what an unfit mother I am, with my name misspelled. Now I laugh. Someone must be cowering in a corner and it sure isn't me.

From here on in all communication will happen through lawyers and the kids' therapist.

[mustardseed]

Things are happening. I'm not quite sure what, but the energy seems to be shifting and I am starting to feel better about where life is heading.

I want to get the rest of my stuff out of the marital residence so I can more fully move on. I am ready emotionally. H is dead--OW has taken over. I have no interest in having an R with OW--and since she has got him by the scrotum he has lost all attraction.

I wish him the best and hope he is able to come out of this in a healthier state of mind--once she no longer finds him a fascinating play thing. I am starting to believe she targeted him when he started to fall into his depression and paranoia a few years ago. Maybe these are all things I am just telling myself to make it easier to come to terms with the fact that the man I fell in love with no longer exists. I need to believe that he did exist once upon a time and that the past 15 years of my life was not a complete delusion.

As for my kids. I can only be responsible for my side of the street, and that includes their relationships. The best I can do is provide a safe haven full of love, honesty, and security on my side. And allow them to navigate their way around his side without my interference. They are smart, wonderful, loving kids and they will survive this. It isn't what is best for them, but it is what it is, and I can only be responsible for what is within my control.

*sigh* 'Tis the season. New traditions start this year.

[JulieH]

Mustard seed,

One of the things i do not understand is how is OWs relationship with your husband and as the teacher of your daughter acceptable on a professional level? Have you discussed this with your attorney? With the school? If this came out publicly it would not look good for a private school. In fact, this might even be your leverage if you had a lawyer so inclined. No one wants the embarrassment of a subpoena.

I think she has a bit too much power right now and she should not. I think they are intimidating you because they know that you really have a lot of power that you have yet to use. I don't think you should say anything, as vanilla says keep your cards close. But perhaps consulting with a more aggressive attorney as well? They are bullies and we all know that fighting the bully back works better then waiting for the teachers to make nice. It's the only way they can respect you and a 180 from a more passive approach.

Remember it's easy to climb back up when you have nothing left to lose.

Admittedly I myself am somewhat vengeful and I am not an enlightened person, (I am mostly cicilian after all ) so please I know what I would do at this point is probably not best advised. But could this help your custody case?

Again this is just an opinion and thought of one poster that is sick of seeing people being taken advantage of. I don't know if what I say would work in your favor. Just something to mull over and consult with a expensive attorney about.

[mustardseed]

Mustard seed,

One of the things i do not understand is how is OWs relationship with your husband and as the teacher of your daughter acceptable on a professional level? Have you discussed this with your attorney? With the school? If this came out publicly it would not look good for a private school. In fact, this might even be your leverage if you had a lawyer so inclined. No one wants the embarrassment of a subpoena.

I think she has a bit too much power right now and she should not. I think they are intimidating you because they know that you really have a lot of power that you have yet to use. I don't think you should say anything, as vanilla says keep your cards close. But perhaps consulting with a more aggressive attorney as well? They are bullies and we all know that fighting the bully back works better then waiting for the teachers to make nice. It's the only way they can respect you and a 180 from a more passive approach.

Remember it's easy to climb back up when you have nothing left to lose.

Admittedly I myself am somewhat vengeful and I am not an enlightened person, (I am mostly cicilian after all ) so please I know what I would do at this point is probably not best advised. But could this help your custody case?

Again this is just an opinion and thought of one poster that is sick of seeing people being taken advantage of. I don't know if what I say would work in your favor. Just something to mull over and consult with a expensive attorney about.

I believe things are really bad for them at work right now. There are two very distinct camps (and I'm sure a a large enough group of people who really don't care). I have no idea what the powers that be are thinking of the situation, but I am sure they are trying to figure out how to best handle it with the least amount of attention drawn. I am hoping that whatever happens is in the best interest of the kids--mine a well as hers.

I am absolutely certain that her intense involvement in my life at this stage is damage control. Make me look bad to take the attention off of them. To validate their inappropriate relationship. As long as I keep my mouth shut I will continue to be the one on top. The better I come across the worse things are for them. I'm trying to keep that in mind to avoid reacting.

I am trying to keep all of my socializing as far away from the scene as possible, not that I am doing anything wrong, but I would prefer that he know nothing about my comings and goings. The gossip is insurmountable--I can't even believe my life is such a topic of conversation. We live a "small town" type of life in an area of the country where it is hard to believe that exists. I have a relative who owns a local business that is frequented by many people tied to H's employment and my old employment. Apparently we are a topic of conversation throughout the community.

As far as the legal end of things--I trust my attorney. I don't want H to lose his job because I don't think that is in anyone's best interest at this point. We don't have much financially, so any gain I might get by pushing the infidelity issue will be cancelled out by the expense it will cost to make it happen. My main goal right now is to be able to support myself and my kids-and that he contributes fairly. Of course right now fair feels unfair--because I think the person who bails on a marriage should be forced to give up everything that was attained during the time they were married--but that isn't how the world works anymore. I just have to trust that in the end all will be good.