onward - 13

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Hi Jelly,
Your music selections have been keeping my ears busy. I love hearing music that I haven't heard before - and I have heard none of this. I have to say that these would not have been my normal go to selections, but the more I listen, the more I have gotten into it. Do like the summer beach vibe that shows up - I have listened to Jack Johnson a lot (which may be a little too mellow for me these days)

Holly Smith - wow!! there's the talent. I could listen to her for hours.

I am still diving into all of this - thank you for sharing!

I sometimes go back in time and listen to some of my high school favorites for fun:
-Rush - love the technical precision
-Yes - was trippy when trippy wasn't cool.
-Queen (saw them on your original music post)

today I have chosen to share with you --- Arcade Fire - wake up. I like a lot of their music, but this one makes me happy when it plays - not sure why, but has some uplifting lyrics.

and just for kicks -

sometimes when I'm feeling a little angsty (or when I'm biking), I listen to some heavier music (see - not just folk music here )
Going out on a limb here, but how about Tool - Aenema (warning! not suitable for all audiences) - the refrain of "learn to swim" goes through my head when the water keep rising - as it often seems to.

and just to delete that image

a song that will always remind me of the best times I had with W - Norah Jones - come away with me (I don't have all negative feelings for her).

Oh and the dunes - it's one of those things I guess, I have gone there all of my life and it is nice, not super impressive to me - but I think it is just part of my normal. It's like when I see pictures of NZ and just imagine what it would be like to actually see that heaven someday - you might just think it is normal - all perspective. I would love to show you around though.

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on to me I guess - not that I have too much to say. So I still go to an IC every week - I feel like I should stop as I don't think I really get much out of it, but I still go and and tell my weekly story (I feel like she helped me from jumping off a ledge though). But I start every week by saying, I don't really have much to talk about this week - an hour later, I haven't shut up yet, and usually tear up at some point every week. She usually ends by saying that I have had another eventful week and am showing great signs of moving forward - hmm.

Since my last post, I am on a weekly cycle with the kids now - with a wednesday switch. It seems to be working ok so far - I do miss them a lot when they are not here, but I get to see them at school and S18 stops in to see me at home every day and I see D15 at her swim meets too.

Last weekend, was my weekend with them, but D15 stayed at a friend's house where I dropped her off - though she ended going to her mom's and staying there for the night with her friends, I felt a little betrayed by this. D15 wanted to stay there with her friends because mom has shiny new things and dad's house is a little busted.

I would like to say to D15 (but wouldn't) that while her mom is busy buying shiny new things for you and her house, I am still recovering from years of mismanaged money, past due taxes, unpaid bills and squandered money on her affair, hourly hotels and her new dream life. And though it seems like I am not paying for things that make you happy, believe me, every penny of mine is going to things that you do not see or care about - the house (which we were minutes away from losing), medical bills, school fees, cell phone, tv, internet, food........

I know this seems like I am griping, but where better than here. But suddenly, my house is an embarrassment to her, when it hasn't been before and especially for two years while her mom was running around.

S18 is a little bitter about his mom now trying to play super mom (his words) when she didn't want anything to do with them for all of that time. I validated - told him that I understood his feelings.

Now, I am spending my week without them, it's a little lonely - just me and the dog. Though I did get out to visit some people today and checked on my parents (shoveled snow).

STBXW is having issues with the kids and is trying to get me on-board to help fix it. She does not like the lack of attention that they are giving her. She wants to have a family meeting to discuss this tomorrow. I agreed that we can talk about this, I do think the kids can step a little to help out - though it is our fault that they have grown accustomed to not helping out. But I can't make them like her or like me.

I have declined an invitation to have thanksgiving with my in-laws. I have also declined an invitation to have thanksgiving at STBXW's house with the kids. I will celebrate thanksgiving with the kids on Friday at my parents. W asked me again if I wanted to come (she has asked me 3 times).

I feel like, we have been officially physically separated for only about 5 weeks, and I don't think it is a good idea for me to be hanging out at her house, when I am still so bitter about things. It seems too much like I would be the holiday husband and we can be a big happy family two or three days a year.

Is this a mistake??

I have begun boxing up her things that she left behind. The things that were in sight anyway. All of the shoes that were still sitting out, all of the papers, clothes and jewelry stacked on her dresser. It's all boxed and moved to the basement, out of my sight. The papers revealed more financial messes that need to be dealt with (no shortage of surprises), and so many reminders of the past two years.

I let myself get into this mess. I trusted that things were being handled as she said they were. I didn't believe that she would do this - any of this. But it is my fault that I am here and in this mess. I was dumb. I will never allow myself to get into this kind of mess again. I will never allow someone to treat me like this again.

Sorry for this messy post
peace
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