I reckon I would feel the same, were I in that same situation as yourself, shotgun.
I can't bear seeing anyone in pain anyway, and would give them the shirt off my back if it made them feel better.
And then the thought of being the one who is inflicting all that pain? Aw man, that would completely finish me off. I couldn't bear it.
I've felt really low today. I had my counselling session in the morning, and understood a few more things about my own background, makeup (not speaking about the fun kind here), and patterns of behaviour. I felt a bit shocked and a bit defeated at the utter starkness of what was seeing - definitely seeing it in that light for the first time. It was quite tough afterwards too as that feeling lingered for hours and hours.
It's also really, really cold here now. And because I haven't really eaten much over the past 6 weeks, I feel really cold inside all the time (except when I'm lying in a scalding hot bath).
I felt really tempted to text my H and tell him to sort a divorce out. I don't know if I have it in me to walk this path. But obviously I didn't.
My counsellor said she is going to focus on some of the very positive aspects of how I've dealt with issues the next time I see her. So I'm hoping I won't feel so down after the next session.
On the plus side, I took a little time doing my hair again, and got some lovely compliments from my female colleagues at work again. I learnt another work in Greek from one of my colleagues (he's teaching me a new word every shift we're both working. I'm up to four words now). And I had some nice chats with people too. I know it doesn't sound like much today, but with the way I was feeling it feels like a major achievement.
Congratulations on your realisation, btw. These things are all tremendously empowering.
