Remember, that the surface is just that - the surface. I would be willing to bet that deep down there are a lot of issues that are eating away at her. Otherwise, why would she pursue a married man? Unless she was just total crap and wanted the unattainable, then something else was going on within her.
Yeah, I agree.
I mean, if you were an adult and a married person came on to you (which I'm thinking maybe my H did, after he worked out that she liked him), however much you might like that married person, as an adult you would tell them to step back, because you would realise that any relationship would never, ever be just about you and the other person. It would always be about you, the other person, and their spouse. So I'm thinking there's an pretty big element of immaturity there on her part? She is quite a lot younger than us...
Originally Posted By: Spiff69
Quote:
I'm also starting to think my H may also be a bit of a coward.
I have never thought of that to describe a cheater. But it really makes sense. I would bet that he is no different than the others, caught up in the attention and all that goes along with it. Is he one that likes to be pursued? But there is also something deeper going on with him, too.
Yeah, he likes the attention, and then eggs them on for more. I think that's been the common thread in all of his transgressions. From the slightly inappropriate boundary crossing of the first conversation he had with someone who clearly liked him (5 years ago now), to the EA and PA I reckon he's having now.
Thank you. I really value the amazing insight and advice on this forum. I've been reading a lot of threads lately.
Focus22 it has helped me to gain clarity about my wife in a couple of encounters with women who are attached. I was suddenly in the shoes of the man who is involved with my wife. The impact of knowing what an affair would do to the family of those women came rushing to me. A thought also came to me that if she would do it to that man then she would do it to me. I also felt a terrible shame in having let an encounter with her enter my mind. It put the morals of a cheater perfectly in perspective. For me I am thankful that my standards are what they are and I will not cross that line. A moment of growth for shotgun!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I reckon I would feel the same, were I in that same situation as yourself, shotgun.
I can't bear seeing anyone in pain anyway, and would give them the shirt off my back if it made them feel better.
And then the thought of being the one who is inflicting all that pain? Aw man, that would completely finish me off. I couldn't bear it.
I've felt really low today. I had my counselling session in the morning, and understood a few more things about my own background, makeup (not speaking about the fun kind here), and patterns of behaviour. I felt a bit shocked and a bit defeated at the utter starkness of what was seeing - definitely seeing it in that light for the first time. It was quite tough afterwards too as that feeling lingered for hours and hours.
It's also really, really cold here now. And because I haven't really eaten much over the past 6 weeks, I feel really cold inside all the time (except when I'm lying in a scalding hot bath).
I felt really tempted to text my H and tell him to sort a divorce out. I don't know if I have it in me to walk this path. But obviously I didn't.
My counsellor said she is going to focus on some of the very positive aspects of how I've dealt with issues the next time I see her. So I'm hoping I won't feel so down after the next session.
On the plus side, I took a little time doing my hair again, and got some lovely compliments from my female colleagues at work again. I learnt another work in Greek from one of my colleagues (he's teaching me a new word every shift we're both working. I'm up to four words now). And I had some nice chats with people too. I know it doesn't sound like much today, but with the way I was feeling it feels like a major achievement.
Congratulations on your realisation, btw. These things are all tremendously empowering.
Therapy is tough work focus22. My therapist keeps me focused on me when I often want to focus on my wife. She keeps making the point that I cannot focus on things that are out of my control. I have had many days in the last year in which I felt like I had accomplished something by just getting cleaned up and dressed. I have found myself literally telling my right foot to move in front of the left on and then telling the left foot to move. I learned during my illness that there is something known as "living in cancer time". Throw my wife leaving on top of that and many days I have simply been unable to function. Many days seem to last forever. The best ones are the days in which I keep myself very busy. I can tell you that I don't know how I could have made it without the help of the people on this board and the friends that I have developed here. God Bless you and do one thing tomorrow that is just for you. Maybe something small but something that occupies your mind for a bit.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
It's weirdly comforting that everyone here knows all what of these feelings are, and how flipping difficult it all is too. I'm so glad I found this place.
I think I'm finding that too...the best days are ones in which I manage to keep myself very busy. And if there are other people around as well, then even better. So I'm planning a very busy December with various work-related projects. I'm actually really looking forward to it.
Today, it was a good few random acts of kindness from strangers that really touched me, and the beautiful, bright sunshine and blues skies we had.
Maybe I should write something that I'm grateful for at the end of every day? Or make a list of a few things I'm grateful for? So I'm steering my mind to always look for the positive and away from the 'poor me' mentality? I don't want to be a victim in all of this (or in anything in my life).
So sorry to hear you've been ill. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been (and still is maybe). I hope you got lots of support with that.
Hi Focus! Hope all is well in your part of the world.
I am going to agree with shotgun, therapy is tough, tough stuff. And I hate it. But, on the flip side, I am in so much a better place now and really is helping me realize a lot of things. Funny thing (or maybe sad, really) about the issues and the changes I have been working oh so hard to make - ones that my W brought up what seems so long ago - is that the W doesn't give a rat's *ss about it. When all this was brought up in counseling (by the counselor, I tried to avoid the topic of my chagnes), she says that "working on yourself and changes are great and all, but its not that." So where does that leave me?
My W had an EA just after the BD and it turned into a nightmare situation (nothing past the EA, but nightmare in the house). It took me a long time to realize why she would do that and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of it stems from her desire for attention. As I have said in my thread, she craves attention but does not seek it. Lots of reasons, I guess. But she has much deeper issues than just on the surface. I would suspect that is the same for all people who stray.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
