A NC letter would definitely be wise, if she is agreeing to end the A and stop having any form of contact with the OM. How can they work together and have no contact?
If she wants to reconcile the M (and it doesn't appear that she's decided to do it), the NC letter should be approved by the Pastor and mailed to OM by the Pator. Not sent electronically. Most people say the H should approve and mail it, but if the Pator is involved, I feel she would not feel quite the intensity of resentment and rebellion directly toward the H (maybe). No guarantees. I doubt the Pastor or MC would want to mail it, b/c they would want her to do it from heroin free will. Unless, the Pastor really understands the mindset of the wayward woman.........and being Luthern, he just might, IDK. It takes a firm approach with the wayward, and not the soft, cuddling that some Pastors do.
It should state she made a terrible decision by having an A with him, and she is ending it immediately and forever. She loves her H and she is going to do whatever it takes to save her M. She wants no further contact, in any form, with OM.
There are different views about this approach. As a former WW, I can see where she would feel that is done against her wishes. It may appear controlling, however, a WW has to be guided or she will not tell the OM what needs to be said. Of course, she can always contact him and tell him she was forced to write the letter and they would take the A even deeper underground.
There are other things that can be done to help her during the withdrawal period, but none will work if she is not willing. Her H can't make her do things against her will.
When I wrote my NC letter, I kind of left a back door open for the OM. My DB mentor pointed it out to me and told me it would not work until I convinced him that I did not desire to ever have contact again. So, I wrote it, bawling my eyes out. How sick is that? I didn't want to end contact, and your WW won't either. She can't wait until she "feels" like ending it, b/c she's addicted. However, I think she should be "willing" to write the NC letter with the guidance given her. Otherwise, what will it accomplish?
She really needs to stop working with him. I have not seen a successful case where the WW continued to work with the AP.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
