Unlurking to share my story

[SciDad]

I try hard to spy, but it's hard when we share a house and a bedroom. Nothing intentional, but for example I'll notice what she's wearing, how much time she spends getting ready, etc. As for the phone, that's easier to make the conscious choice not to pick it up and look. But Pandora's box is sooo tempting....

As far as the MC is concerned my wife is not involved with the OM anymore. My problem is that I don't trust that - it came too easily without much of a fight. If she cares for him half as much as she claimed she should be a wreck after NC. Yes, she has since gotten anti-anxiety medication, but still seems too easy to me.

I'm still a work in progress, both in self-care and finding things to do JUST for myself. Between kids and family (including extended and parents) I've been focused on other people too long. I'm working on changing that.

My wife said her unhappiness stemmed from our growing detachment to each other. Essentially we were both hurting each other and instead of talking about our problems we isolated from each other. This was obviously not a good coping mechanism and led to us feeling more like roommates than lovers.

Which leads me to the improvements I've seen. She is more comfortable around me and makes a point of trying to sit in the same room with me. Every night as soon as she gets home she takes 15 minutes to tell me about her day before we do anything else. In the past we didn't talk about anything. She doesn't cringe when I touch her or offer a back massage. The other day, I even gave her a foot massage after she had a long day on her feet. We sit next to each other when watching tv and her body language is open and facing me. In the past we were on different couches or opposite ends of the couch - touching was not welcome or an option. Sad that this was a breakthrough, but we kissed on the lips for the first time in months on Tuesday.

That being said, she has yet to initiate any contact herself. She doesn't come to me with a hug when I need it. She doesn't ask how my day was. So it's feeling a bit one-sided right now, but I know that we have different love languages, and that is contributing to this. I have hope that with enough patience things may improve.... After all, I usually make coffee while she showers in the morning, but this week I've been slow and she fixed my coffee for me several times without any prompting. And she's been thanking me when I do little things for her. All in all, this feels nice.

My biggest struggle is trust. She said she went out with a (girl)friend earlier this week and I was a wreck all night and haven't recovered yet. All I can do is wonder if she was really there. So much so that this morning I had convinced myself I should ask her ASAP. That compulsion is gone. If she wasn't doing the right thing I'll find out eventually - the truth has a nasty habit of coming to light