Please help!

[Dawgs]

Thank you, Focus! Glad my story could have helped you in any way possible.

I find it hard to see beyond the surface of OW.

Remember, that the surface is just that - the surface. I would be willing to bet that deep down there are a lot of issues that are eating away at her. Otherwise, why would she pursue a married man? Unless she was just total crap and wanted the unattainable, then something else was going on within her.

Take my friend, for example. He is a really nice guy - and carries the nice guy label, too. Successful with the ladies but failed a lot of relationships as they didn't last that long. I have known him seemingly all my life and know him well and can say that he has insecurity, trust, and a whole host of other issues he kept hidden from the world. But, eventually these would leak out in one form or another that would ultimately destroy every relationship he was in. So, unless she is a total snake, then something else is going on.

I'm also starting to think my H may also be a bit of a coward.

I have never thought of that to describe a cheater. But it really makes sense. I would bet that he is no different than the others, caught up in the attention and all that goes along with it. Is he one that likes to be pursued? But there is also something deeper going on with him, too.

What I'm also starting to think, is that at some point in the future OW is going to want more of him. And that 'more' will include getting married.

That very well may happen. I know my friend did. He loved, or thought he loved her - maybe he was in love with the attention she gave him and all. But, according to him, she said and did all the right things. He gave her the attention she needed to feel loved and wanted, and she did likewise. But the difference is that he really did feel that way and used it to get what she wanted. Your H may indeed run at that point, that is if the OW pushes that issue.

So I'm going to get all the hysterical levels of guilt he's feeling, and all the anger too. I can feel my heart sinking...I have real trouble dealing with other people's anger and would do anything to avoid confrontation. Other people's anger scares me rigid (my own dad was quite violent, and used to use the threat of his anger against me). So maybe this is the time to deal with this stuff, for my own sake?

I am sorry, but you can almost bet on that. I read an excellent thread (I think it was one of Pho's) on here where the discussion and conclusion that he was projecting. It was a great read and helped me out, too.

Boundaries? Yes, you will need to set them. First and foremost, as many have said on this site countless times, you will need to set one concerning the OW. Sandi is great at giving advice on the WS. But yes, you need them. We all do or how can we even respect ourselves?

We all hate this path, Focus, we all do. Especially me.