SciDad, you are in the right place. Thank you for sharing your story, and I am confident that you will get great advice and support here.
The first thing I want to tell you is that you have no way of knowing if she is talking to OM, texting, etc. I learned the hard way that by "putting my foot down" it just made H go "undercover" and hide it better. Also made him feel controlled and angry with me. There is a physiological component to an affair- think like a rush a drug addict gets- I am sure someone else can explain it better, but apparently it is very very hard to end. (I know, I find this excuse to be pathetic too and don't totally buy it, but thats what I hear again and again and it seems to be true.)
Be patient and try not to spy, try not to question her, try not to "go there". I know, that is nearly impossible.
As long as she is involved with OM she cannot really be working on your marriage. I am still angry with our MC for "taking us on " as clients without insisting that H end the affair. I think if my H had heard it from someone who was not me he would have ended it. Maybe ask your MC about it, if you can get a solo appointment or leave him/her a message, and get some feedback. It will not help for W to hear it from you.
The months spent in counseling while H was still secretly texting and chatting at work, were the worst months of my life. I am glad now in retrospect that I stayed because H is still here and things are slowly improving, and that was my goal- to save the marriage. But it was so incredibly hard and I don't know that I'd put myself through it again. If you want to save your Marriage, be prepared for a very rough ride.
Be patient. I know it seems like you have been through hell already, but you are just getting started. Expect to be at this for a long time. Make self-care a top priority- this DB business is exhausting and overwhelming and can beat you up. Eat well, get some sleep, talk to your own individual counselor if you can, post here frequently, take vitamins, exercise. All of these little things add up.
Set goals. Small goals at first. What are you doing for yourself today? Posting here was a great first step! What are you doing for yourself that is completely just for you? Going for a run? Playing the guitar? Meeting a friend for coffee? Whatever gets you out of your head for a little while, that brings you enjoyment or relief, even just for a few minutes. You are important.
Some questions for you: Do you have children? What does your W say about the R? What are her reasons for being unhappy? You say things are improving, what exactly is improving? Specific behaviors.
How are you holding up? What are you struggling with the most right now?
I am glad to "meet" you and sorry that it is under these circumstances. You are in a good place. Keep posting.
