Unlurking to share my story

[SciDad]

I've been lurking, gathering info, and reading DR for about 3 months now. I've learned a lot and made mistakes, but it's time to share my story (thank you pho for the gentle nudge).

About a year ago I realized that my marriage was having problems. I suppose I knew before then, but I was also in a horrible job situation (my boss had been actively trying to fire me for over a year) and I suppose I didn't focus on the right crisis. In any case, I looked up websites, tried techniques. Failed to make any progress. In January my wife and I had a serious discussion and both agreed that something needed to change. Because, as you might have guessed, she loved me but was not in love with me.

I continued to pursue (I hadn't found this forum yet), and ended up pushing her away further. Fast forward 6 months, when I found evidence that my wife was having an EA and sexting with a good friend of ours. Spending time at his apartment after work. And on the weekends. And, of course lying about it. I spent about a month in agony gathering info to 1) make absolutely sure I knew was going on and 2) wait for my in-laws, who were spending the summer with us, to leave, and 3) formulate a plan.

I confronted my wife who went through all the expected denials until I told her that I KNEW what was going on and I just wanted to know the truth. That I was going to ask her questions. That I knew the answers to many of them. That if she lied we could never move past this. And so we had our talk and she agreed to limit contact with him (they work together) and to work on our marriage with a MC. I dragged my feet a little because I wasn't totally excited about involving a MC right away because I thought she was trying to use them not to work on our marriage, but rather to manipulate them into agreeing that we should get a divorce. And I still needed time to process the affair.

Apparently that was a bad idea because after confrontation #2 (she texted him that she couldn't wait to make love to him and arranged for them to spend the day together) she said she went back to him because I hadn't set up a marriage counselor fast enough. I didn't (and still don't) buy that excuse and realized that I should have been more forceful about no contact. She swears there are no romantic conversations with the OM, but she also erases all messages every day.

We've been in counseling for 6 weeks and things are going well. Still not where I'd like it to be, but better. Problem is that 1) I still don't trust her to not see the OM and 2) she doesn't trust the changes I've made to address our relationship deficiencies. Consistency and patience is the key for both of us, but it's terribly hard to maintain an even keel.

There is more (like all of you there is always SO MUCH more...) but this post is long enough as it is. Thank you all for listening and thank you for the support you've already unknowingly given me. It means a lot to me and I think I'm finally ready to actively seek advice.