Back on these forums again 3

[Mona52]

Well Gmum, I am not going to lie, your post gave me pause to think. I cant say I know what way to turn right now.

It was not just your post, but a few things happened yesterday that created this perfect storm that sent me into a tailspin, and I have not pulled out yet.

I held the belief that my lifestyle is my life style. It is me, who I am, and who I cant not be.

I went to IC yesterday morning, and she gave me some compliments that made me feel retched. I mentioned that i quit smoking after 31 years and she gushed on about it. She asked me what I was doing to distract myself from my pain and I let her know a few things, and she complimented me each time, amazing, wonderful, blah blah blah.

Each compliment I got felt like a knife. Then I went to lunch with a group of friends and they know if some projects I did at work that went so well. More @#$^&^* compliments. Then I read the posts here and it is just bad. Then I saw some old friends and they see how far I have come in the last 10 years... more compliments.

I can see so many good things. And that is not enough to keep a husband. I just feel I will never, ever be good enough to keep a H all of a sudden. Like, how can I do more? I cant. If what I am now is not good enough, I will never be.

Then I started thinking about intimidating. Should I do less? Every time I ask that question I start to cry. I so badly do not want to do less. I am crying right now because it feels like if I want a R, I cant show in any way that I am better at anything. like on the playground in school, I have to let them win. A H wants to feel like the winner. I WANT a H who feels like a winner, I really really do.

I got an opportunity yesterday to study at a very prestigious college. I could never in a billion years afford this college but my tuition would have been paid. I saw the email and was horrified. I deleted the email and blocked the sender. I cried while I did it, but it took me less than 2 seconds to decide there is no way in hades I can do it. I cant hide that. I can hide alot of what I am doing. But I cannot hide that.

But I feel such a huge sense of loss. I am not sure how to act now. I feel scared to even open my mouth. I mean, I feel actual fear, like if I say something they will give me a compliment.

I said the word empathy yesterday with my mom and her friend. My mom's friend had to Google the stupid word. My mom told me I should try and use smaller words around her friends because they are not as smart as that.

What??? Since when is empathy a big word? I dont go around sprouting big words to make people feel stupid. But now I really just dont want to even speak.

I went to all of the threads here, but I cant post on any of them. I can honestly say, I have never felt so bad about myself in my whole life. I feel like some kind of freak, and it feels so real. Like if I go outside people will just know I am a freak.