do nothing or what

[Dawgs]

Hi roiste, I am not fully up to speed on your situation but I was in a similar boat.

This thread is to ask advice ( yet again) about my struggle with an inappropriate friendship. I feel myself being drawn towards an inevitable confrontation with my W. It just feels the right thing to do. But often what we feel is the right thing and what we feel obliged to do are usually counter productive.i

I believe it is an EA at least for my W. Him I don't think so but he is not important. It could v well be, that they are just good friends. I am fairly sure they have not m meeto alone in months, they text less than before....... so why am I so bugged by this friendship.

The inappropriate friendship - anytime a spouse (in our case, W) communicates inappropriately with a person of the opposite sex (heck, maybe even same sex) in ways that they hide from their spouse, then that is stepping over the line. Not saying that the W shouldn't have male friends, but we all know the difference between what's appropriate and not.

I am not sure, but as long as one (in this case your W) is getting emotional support from another person in ways they feel is lacking in the marital department, then that is an EA. She is getting what she feels she needs from another man, even though he may not be on the same level. But also think about this - if he is providing and responding with support/advice/inappropriate talk, then he is just as guilty.

My w seems to initiate more than him and she is often the one looking to chat. Several tines she has met him but was surprised by someone else being there too. This happened a few times. He seems often to be not available to meet and has canceled last minute several times. By meet I mean for tea or coffee.

How do you know this? Have you seen the messages? Or just going on her word? If it is her word, then a wise poster told me just yesterday to "believe nothing of what they say." Sandi will set us all straight on that...

If she is meeting for coffee/tea, whats to say she isn't meeting for more? Sorry to put things so bluntly, but it is a question that must be asked.

I think it is an EA because she turns to her m with her problems and emotional support. Communications are usually within the limits of friendships but sometimes W's are borderline without crossing it.

It is an EA.

Doing nothing makes sense in that it I am almost sure it will not develope.

Who doing nothing? You? I am sort of confused on this one - are you saying that doing nothing on your part will keep their EA from happening or maybe turning into a PA? If it really is an EA (and I suspect it is based on what you said) and they feel comfortable enough, it very well could turn into a PA. After all, they at least met for "coffee/tea" once (that you know of), right?

Apart from the obvious reasons and regaining respect etc I have another reason I like this idea. But I don't think it is good because it is controlling. That reason is that if W chooses friend over M, that will be a known fact afterwards. Is it wrong to want to he able to say I set a boundary and she chose not to respect it even to detriment of M. I am not sure if I want to hang this on W or if I just want to make a stand.

How is it controlling to say you won't be in an open M? I guess it could sound controlling if you word it the wrong way, but that just doesn't sound right to me.

My W had an EA a few months back and when I called her out on it she blew up and did all of the accusations that a WW will do - everything from saying that she couldn't trust me because I snooped and the whole nine yards. She said they were just friends and he was helping her, etc. I said BS and ended up telling her that it was, in fact, inappropriate. In our next MC after that, she admitted that it was wrong. I don't know if they are still in contact or whatever as I haven't checked in quite sometime. But she knows I won't be part of an open M. And, yes, I still have everything I found.

Think about this - if you have to question it, then more likely than not, it is happening. I can understand how you feel because I was there. I never wanted to think that my W would do that.