Thank you so much Spiff69. I really appreciate you telling me that story. It's actually helped put a lot of things into perspective for me and given me a new understanding on my own situation.
I find it hard to see beyond the surface of OW. The surface is that she's very, very good at her job and very successful (they work in the same industry). She's seemingly incredibly independent, much younger than me (and H) and everyone adores her. One of his friends commented on the 'special bond' that they had developed, without any regard for our relationship, for our marriage. I felt that was quite disrespectful to me/us. Is she beautiful? Meh, I dunno...I guess in way? When I think about it I feel quite crushed, so I'll stop now.
Anyway, because of your post I'm also starting to think my H may also be a bit of a coward. I'm starting to think that he's not really going to do anything to sort this situation out. He's painted himself into a corner, and whatever way he turns to try and get out of it, it's not going to be nice or easy (for either of us, but for him especially since he has to also deal with the guilt of it all).
What I'm also starting to think, is that at some point in the future OW is going to want more of him. And that 'more' will include getting married. But before that happens, he needs to be legally free to get married, which means he needs to face some/all of this stuff.
I think I might get the brunt of all his negative feelings. He's going to keep them from OW, isn't he? He'll be on his best behaviour at the moment, won't he? He'll be cutting down on the alcohol and drug use, so it just all seems within 'normal' boundaries and not the crazy, self destructive levels it's been at for the past 4 or 5 years.
So I'm going to get all the hysterical levels of guilt he's feeling, and all the anger too. I can feel my heart sinking...I have real trouble dealing with other people's anger and would do anything to avoid confrontation. Other people's anger scares me rigid (my own dad was quite violent, and used to use the threat of his anger against me). So maybe this is the time to deal with this stuff, for my own sake?
I don't want my H's anger, or guilt, or any of the crappy feelings he's saddled himself with. They're not mine to deal with, they're his.
It all comes down to having good boundaries, doesn't it? And to have good boundaries, you need to feel a sense of yourself, believe in that and have respect for that.
I flipping hate this path that I've been forced to go along sometimes.
Have I maybe said all this before? I can't remember...my head is a bit scrambled.
