Black and white

[Zues126]

I've noticed a common theme today in all my walks of life. Marriage. Sales. Management.

When I was a manager I was concerned about being the a-hole boss. In various degrees the first 2-3 years I was too concerned. I found that it didn't work. If I was afraid of conflict. If I was afraid of being perceived as a 'bad boss'. If I was afraid of making tough decisions that would result in people saying bad things about me in the break room. If I was afraid that an employee wouldn't feel I was treating them fairly when I had to admonish disciplinary action. If any of those things- they would take advantage. They would bully me around and I would be enabling them. Similarly, the more I showed I cared about how they felt, the more I tried to ensure they had a voice in the work place, the more I wanted to provide a good environment- the more entitled, demanding, and dissatisfied they became. Finally I said F it and just ran the ship the way I believed best. I heard them out. I listened to their voices. I still cared. But I took my role as leader. They had voices, but I had the deciding voice, and if they didn't like it they could work somewhere else. Guess when the culture and morale on my team peaked out?

Similarly in my marriage. I am so powerful sometimes with who I am and how I live, I was terrified of running STBX over, and as a result I was far too timid. Sandi says all wives test their husbands. I failed the test. I was so afraid of being the abusive, controlling, insensitive husband, that instead I became the nice guy, and let her lead in many ways so she couldn't say I ran her over. The result- she probably felt I was weak and lost respect for me. And of course she's more convinced than ever that I was the abusive husband.

Well, I've learned that lesson once again in my new role (I started a year ago but it's such a tough gig I'm only now starting to leave my 'new' qualifier behind). I work in B2B sales, and it's brutal. Ethics in business is very important to me, and I've been working very hard to do things the right way when others in the industry don't. Yet no matter how hard I try, customers continue to play the victim card. They act like I overcharged. Or I didn't deliver as much value as they expected. Or I should be waiting on them hand and foot. Or they get pissy and harass me about their billing. Or they want to cancel non-cancellable contracts. And the whole time they have this attitude like I am the big bad corporation taking advantage of the small independent business owners that are building America. And you know what? I finally realized this week it is total BS. I am absolutely killing myself to be fair, high integrity, to go above and beyond in delivering, making great personal sacrifices to leave my title at the door and do what I can to help them on their journey...and it's never enough. The fact is that the majority of small business owners fail and when they struggle they start lashing out at anyone that is charging them for a service. I've had a few major meltdowns in the last month and I beat myself up and beat myself up and kept trying to figure out what more I can do, and I'm finally realizing- nothing! I did it right, I would do it the same again, and some people are just going to have problems.

I am so fed up. I made up my mind I just don't care anymore. Now- I will still be true to myself. I will act with integrity, provide value, and deliver what I say. But I won't do that with the expectation they will be appreciative, that they will refer me business, or even that they will be fair. Frankly I am going into every business arrangement optimistic and with the hope that we develop a great working partnership...but also with my eyes open to the possibility we will end up in court. I will no longer be afraid of that, and I won't even feel bad about it. I am operating the way I am not so they will reciprocate, but because I believe it's the right thing to do. And if I do end up in court I will no longer blame myself because I know how much care I bring.

I'm sure there are balances, it's not black and white...but for me, I was so far on the super sensitive side this is the direction I must go. It's been a hell of a 3 months, the last 6 weeks were hell, and the last 2 weeks have been beyond hell. I've had some stuff melt down to a degree that I haven't seen before in my career. Bad fallouts. Big losses. Reputational damage. Loss of income for me. And a big loss for the business owner. And you know what? I'm coming out the other side saying 'ok then, if this is the deep end of the pool and y'all want to play tough, then I guess the gloves are coming off and I'm going to knock some people out, because there's only one possible outcome, that is me getting it done, so if you want it rough, it will be rough.' Again, for those that want to play nice I'll play nice, but I'm not afraid of using the strength God gave me. I'm going to get to the top the right way, and no punk that wants to play victim is going to stop me from setting some records.

I haven't posted for a while but wanted to share this for Julie H and all the other LBS's that are concerned about their WAS. You know what? Hell with them. Do what you need to do for YOU. Detach. GAL. 180. Absolutely. But walking on eggshells because you are afraid of conflict or because you are measuring your personal growth with their reactions? BS. You know what you did. You know who you are. You know what you need to work on. Detachment means you are free to do that without second guessing yourself. By all means reflect, be considerate, and strive to grow. But YOU measure that. End of story.