Hi starting a new thread, but wanted to just give quick background and links..
Husband and I lost money on a home and moved our family (twin boys) into my families home with the hope of saving money. Health issues, work stresses, compounded and my husband moved out 4 months ago. He initially said he wanted space. It is then that I joined these boards with some hope. But as the weeks and months went on, we communicated less and less. A few weeks ago he said he does not want work on our marriage. He feels like we are too incompatible and told me that he could not survive in our marriage. We had tried marriage counseling but it was too late. I went back and looked up some old texts and he really was completely checked out.
Now I just feel confused and hopeless. Very angry and regretful too.
Ok, so I would love feedback. Anything right now. How you guys got through this stage. I'm basically a wreck and would love to know what to do....
There were 2 times in the summer, I had asked husband for child support and he refused. Both times turned into fights, one with me becoming crazy banshee. Other then those 2 times we have been pretty amicable. The things is, I have been pretty resentful about it. Especially since he recently went on a long vacation supposedly with a friend. (In the past He would always tell me we never had money to go away). This issue has been eating me up inside. He also told me 2 weeks ago he did not want to reconcile, and the only thing that is bothering him about his decision is what he stands to lose financially.
A month ago for those that remember, DB coach recommended an apology letter 1st and then, another polite letter requesting child support.
Basically I have been so angry and hurt and he has been so neglectful of kids and cold and angry I never felt the timing was right for the apology letter. I felt like he would think it was to get him back since I kept trying to convince him to stay in relationship prior.
I also never sent the polite letter requesting CS. I don't know why. I didn't want the delay. I feel like I can't talk to him and felt like he would refuse like he did before. I also felt like if I didn't just jump into the water it would continue to get delayed.
So While I had a surge of numbness I marched over to court and put in paper work and filed for CS and SS. He does not know yet.
I feel sick to my stomach. I keep thinking I should have waited till after holidays or talked to him first. I was fearful, because I was told by counselor that this proves I am primary custody holder and needed some type of legal documentation or else he can make any claims he wanted to.
I do not want him as my enemy and I do not want to start the legal process. I am so sad because now it is my reality and I am just scared. Perhaps limbo was better. Please tell me how aftermath was for everyone.
I also feel bad because looking at past texts before he made decision to leave and he was just so cold and neglectful of me. How did someone that once loved me so much to the point that he cried when I was in pain during labor, suddenly hate me or perhaps become indifferent torwards me.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie - I don't have any advice as I haven't handled my situation well at all but I just wanted to offer my support. I haven't pushed the CS issue with my H either and I understand your hesitation. I'd like to keep my family out of the legal process all together if possible. I'm proud of you the for filing. You did the right thing for your kids and should be proud. Maybe think of it as a benefit to you rather than hurting him.
You have to do what is in yours and your kids best interest. Would you consider letting him know you filed? I do know hurt me tremendously to find out H filed for divorce and didn't tell me. Being served out of the blue hurt so badly. Just a thought, Julie. I'm proud of you for finally standing up for yourself and your children.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Yes I will tell him. I don't have much time to even do so. I feel bad that I did not tell him first. It was something that I just did, because I had been delaying for so long. Almost like jumping in a pool of cold water. Any advice on how or what to say? My mother said, just be direct and unapologetic like he is to me. "I asked you for it before, and I have to think about me"
Vanilla said it correctly. I do have boundaries, but I tolerate a lot and I just can't assert myself and then end up taking the flight response.
I do feel guilty because he was paying for things when I asked, (maybe out of guilt, maybe he still cares, or because I think he was afraid I would do something like this)
Also, now there is no chance of reconcilation. Although he already told me there was none anyhow. And now we have to start the court proceedings and it's because of me.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
"I asked you for it before, and I have to think about me"
I wouldn't apologize, justify, or explain in any way. Just inform. Wouldn't even explain why I was informing (I thought you should know...) as that's all implied, and he'd just sneer. He won't like it. Doesn't matter. Just "FYI- I filed some paperwork with the courts including a request for child support."
There's no way he's going to like it so don't worry about trying. And there's no way he's going to not take it poorly so the best you can do is use as few words as possible so there's less he can twist around.
As for R, unfortunately it is a long shot for all of us, and you're right, the D process isn't very bonding. It's true that he might use this as proof that you're the devil. On the other hand it might be upsetting to him at a profound level as well and it could be the consequence that alerts him that he could lose you forever and that it's not all rainbows and unicorns. Don't get me wrong, I'm pessimistic about everyone's marriage from working out these days, and I don't know that hope is particularly useful. I'm in the camp of giving up hope for R and simply being the best person you can be for you. Learning from your mistakes is part of that. And while I've been pretty quiet lately I will say that I've been following your sitch and you're doing amazing.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Julie. You did the right thing!! For yourself and more importantly for your kids!!!!
Why oh why would you feel bad about this? I ask that but I know I hesitate every time I have to ask H for money. I still dont want to upset him or get him mad. Wow hard pattern to break.
It is their responsibility to look after their children - they aren't doing it emotionally and if we didn't get legal support they wouldn't do it financially
Also, now there is no chance of reconcilation. Although he already told me there was none anyhow. And now we have to start the court proceedings and it's because of me.
This is EXACTLY how I felt the day after I signed the papers. I felt like i was helping him along in the disssolution of our marriage which is what he wants but not what i want But why do you say there is now absolutely no chance of reconciliation? And do you HAVE to start proceedings?
