Mutatio, I'll make sure I wear a swim suit when I post to you! LOL- see I am a flirt. My H does not flirt at all. Not with me anyway. I sometimes wonder who I am too. I do not feel like I am the authentic me. I blame motherhood as much as I blame my marital issues. My daughter has really worn me out. My husband is trying to finish the job. My friends think I am funny and we joke a lot. H thinks I have no sense of humor and my jokes are met with silence and quizzical looks. We are on different wavelengths.
When I was younger I could get any guy I wanted, and quite a few I didn't. But I had no confidence. I had no direction, no dreams, just went with the flow. And except for the last year, I really can't complain, things were ok. Now, older, I am a little worse for the wear, but a lot stronger and more confident. But still, I don't know who I'd be if it weren't for my H and my children. I am working on figuring that out.
I made a "bucket list" and was surprised to see how much traveling I would like to do. I haven't been able to with my children, mostly my daughter, she does not travel well. Even a 30 minute car ride is not do-able much of the time. I want to travel- there are so many countries I'd like to see, and I'd like to travel the US and see and photograph as many National Parks as I can. I want to have a lot more music in my life- watching concerts, playing guitar, singing. Not well, not performing, but just having fun. I'd like to take my photography hobby to a whole new level. I'd like to go on a mission trip and help children in South America. All of these surprised me, I haven't thought about my life and what I want. I'd like to get remarried on a beach on a tropical island. To my H, but if not him, I'd like to find love again.
Most of my bucket list has to wait until my children are older, but I am working on a shorter term bucket list, things that I can do with kids underfoot. Guitar lessons, dance lessons, voice lessons, opportunities to grow my photography, some smaller trips I can do with my children. I feel like I am slowly finding my authentic self. She's in there somewhere.
