Lost Hope (5)

[JulieH]

Ok, so I would love feedback. Anything right now. How you guys got through this stage. I'm basically a wreck and would love to know what to do....

There were 2 times in the summer, I had asked husband for child support and he refused. Both times turned into fights, one with me becoming crazy banshee. Other then those 2 times we have been pretty amicable. The things is, I have been pretty resentful about it. Especially since he recently went on a long vacation supposedly with a friend. (In the past He would always tell me we never had money to go away). This issue has been eating me up inside. He also told me 2 weeks ago he did not want to reconcile, and the only thing that is bothering him about his decision is what he stands to lose financially.

A month ago for those that remember, DB coach recommended an apology letter 1st and then, another polite letter requesting child support.

Basically I have been so angry and hurt and he has been so neglectful of kids and cold and angry I never felt the timing was right for the apology letter. I felt like he would think it was to get him back since I kept trying to convince him to stay in relationship prior.

I also never sent the polite letter requesting CS. I don't know why. I didn't want the delay. I feel like I can't talk to him and felt like he would refuse like he did before. I also felt like if I didn't just jump into the water it would continue to get delayed.

So While I had a surge of numbness I marched over to court and put in paper work and filed for CS and SS. He does not know yet.

I feel sick to my stomach. I keep thinking I should have waited till after holidays or talked to him first. I was fearful, because I was told by counselor that this proves I am primary custody holder and needed some type of legal documentation or else he can make any claims he wanted to.

I do not want him as my enemy and I do not want to start the legal process. I am so sad because now it is my reality and I am just scared. Perhaps limbo was better. Please tell me how aftermath was for everyone.

I also feel bad because looking at past texts before he made decision to leave and he was just so cold and neglectful of me. How did someone that once loved me so much to the point that he cried when I was in pain during labor, suddenly hate me or perhaps become indifferent torwards me.