just thinking here some more....thought I'd post before the thoughts slip from my befuddled mind
"respond in kind", "let him set the pace".....yes, that makes a LOT of sense, and I have been trying to implement that better....I think I did probably come on too strong in some ways, and am really trying to be more aware of this.
Quote: It seems that there is a greater comfort zone emotionally at home now. This is good. We have to KNOW what set this about.
I believe that this must be due to some of the efforts/180's I've made: --made a point of expressing appreciation for things he does (even if I think he oughta do it just because) --he really is a good looking guy and a good lover, and I've been telling him that; --he complained about having to do all the outside chores by himself every night and morning, I've been working on them with him, --I've quit complaining about little stuff (toilet seats, newspapers out of place, his mother, etc.) --I've tried to make just "listening" a priority, and to validate his concerns and emotions, even if I think they're off the wall; I've made an effort to point out his strengths and the things I think are neat about him --I've tried to be more cheerful and more physically attractive --tried to do little things for him --tried to "spice up" the sex life...try things i resisted before, up the frequency, initiate (maybe too much)sexier undies --tried to keep house better/cook favorite foods, etc., still a work in progress, though. --cut back on/minimized "shopping" --tell him I appreciate/enjoy his efforts to do things w/me--fires, movies, walks, snuggles, etc.... --really trying to consider things from his point of view, asking myself "how must this seem to him"...a lot of times that's been eye opening if I just stop and do it....and then sometimes edit my response/actions depending on his perceptions of things...
thats all that comes to mind right off, but this is the stuff I've been concentrating my R efforts on....I don't know what has made the most difference, maybe not one specific thing but everything added together. The emotional climate is much warmer, though, that 8 months or so back, so something must be working...it just seems to take so long!
in the mlc reconnection post, it talks about needing to encourage them as you would a child, which struck me because in my minds eye lately I've had this image of him as a toddler beginning to take baby steps in reaching out towards me...like when they are learning to walk, and reach out for the next support with the other hand still holding on to something they're afraid to turn lose of--and of me needing to "coax" him to let go with the "holding on hand" and come to me. Maybe not a very positive image, I don't know, has me kind of parentified, but it sticks in my mind and sometimes pops in to influence my responses.
sigh....patience has never been one of my virtues....
I just have make a note though, I know our sex life was one of his big complaints taht I foolishly ignored for a long time...I think I got my head on straight about that finally though, and have been trying to "spice things up"...last weekend we ml, and I actually kept my eyes open (Rottz?)and I was surprised to notice at one point that his entire upper body, arms and chest, was completely covered in goosebumps. the room wasnt cold, and I've never seen this before in 26 years, so I keep thinking yes! must have done something right that time!....don't know what it was though, darn it.
