Hi Dazed, thank you, this is very helpful food for thought and I will work on it. It may be Monday before I get much chance to be back on bb, as have a very busy weekend.
I will review the detaching threads, I've read them before and I understand "real" detaching as being able to remove one's emotions from the behaviors of S...to get to and be able to maintain a kind of "neutral" state of mind. Am I right? obviously I am not there with any consistency.
I might start in here for a minute about what attracted H to me and to OW....hmmmmmm...we've been together so long I have to really think about this...I was a skinny, athletic kid then, pretty much a tomboy; I was probably more confident then, because I wasn't as aware of all that I don't know!; I was very accepting (H was about a year out of his only other serious R, and she had worked real hard to completely remake the guy; I thought he was great the way he was); I was independent/take charge/get it done kind of person; frankly I think there was some of the "thrill of the chase" there--I dated quite a bit then, guys would call my house while he was there, he even told me about overhearing a guy I had dated tell another guy "that's the guy that married the girl I wanted". and we used to talk for hours just about "the meaning of life" and dreams, etc.... Ok, OW (ick, you're right this is hard) this is from the outside looking in, as I don't know her well even though she's a co-worker, but also from what H has told me when I asked him. H has flat out told me that she made him feel like he was important and mattered to somebody (ouch, ouch ouch, but I think those are his exact words), she was more receptive to him sexually (OUCH);-she plays up to his ego...I've found emails that are incredible...how he's her reason for living, her very favorite everything...ad nauseum (PUKE), --she comes across as not having a care in the world, all giggly and happy always; --she appeals to his need to be a caregiver (she's a youngest child by many years, and it shows in her personality); she never challenges his authority; she is not part of his obligations as a "breadwinner"....what I mean is he doesnt have to work with her to figure out stuff like budgets and bills and taxes and Dr. appts., and kids activities, etc.; she might be a better housekeeper, don't know, our place is sometimes a real zoo; I'm pretty sure hers would be calmer
So are there things I'd be willing to adopt? you bet...I've been working on some of them, for myself, not just R & H.... I'm losing weight and exercising, being fat & sedentary has never been me.....kind of lost my self there trying to keep up w/kids and everything that goes with it; trying to make home calmer, more pleasant; making a point of just taking time to talk/listen/sit w/H and letting "ought to do's" take a lower priority; trying to be more upbeat and cheerful and hopeful and encouraging; trying to be less controlling; being much more sexual; making sure I express appreciation and admiration; working on letting go of irritations and resentments that don't really matter....
So, what am I not willing to do? I will never be a "giggly" type person...I am not willing to make him my "only reason for living" (an exact quote from one of her emails)... I am not willing to abandon my "self" to boost his ego in ways that arent sincere (if that makes sense) .....
Gotta do some work so going to sign off for now.
I might just add that it was kind of interesting last night when I got home from work...we chatted for a little while, just both leaning against the island in the kitchen, and I noticed he was making a lot of eye contact....not "come on" or teasing, but just steady, open, eye contact. I think this is new, because this is the first time I've noticed it and think I would have before. Of course, I was reading a post from MLC about "reconnecting" so was more watching for it, but I still believe this is new. Also, when I gave him a hug when I got home, I put my head on his shoulder and he kind of put his cheek down against mine....this is new. This morning he commented about giving the DR book title to his secretary who recently D'd her H and now wants him back (dummy!) and said "I think it may be too late because from what I hear he's got women all over him" and then made the comment that "and you said it's not for the faint of heart, I don't know if she'll really be up to it"....I wanted to say (again)..so, does that meant it worked in this case, and you recognize how hard its been and how far we've come"....but of course, in struggling to be the best db'er possible, I just said, "yes, it's likely to turn the way she looks at things upside down".
Seriously, how does Dr. Zhivago end? (from question in newcomers thread)....gotta go, will work on home work, Thanks Dazed and all!
