Hi Deb, sorry I wanted to reflect more on your posts before continuing with my comments and you know how work has a way of interrupting our BB chats.
First, I am not a fan of ultimatums. They exert more pressure than most people, even on good days, can accept. Secondly, I don't want to give the impression that what you are doing is wrong. I just believe that there needs to be more consistent efforts in specific ways.
Let's look at the short terms. My rule of thumb is they must be easy and attainable. And for these first ones I want them to be YOU oriented. This aids in the detachment process. Make them fun. We’ll set R goals later.
Detaching: This, you must realize is for YOUR mental health. From a couple of comments, I get the impression that you may think this involves being colder and possibly more distant from hubby. Sue’s thread sums up my interpretation very well so I won’t repeat them, just link to them. My feelings on this is detaching allows you the mental clarity to see options you can't when you're right there in the trenches. Here's Sue's link which is the best I've found on the subject: Sue's Detatch Thread
Pursuing: There are certain things that can be overdone out of our desire to get things moving. A simple ILY from hubby one day does not open the door for us to shower him with ILY’s every day. Let’s step back here and do what JoAnne my DB coach said to me and ‘respond in kind.’ Never would I suggest that you should appear cold or unappreciative of hubby’s affection, just allow him to set the pace.
Let’s set the baseline at the emotional level you feel that you are at today and begin to build goals from here. It seems that there is a greater comfort zone emotionally at home now. This is good. We have to KNOW what set this about. And then the next step is identifying what it was that attracted hubby to you in the first place. And as difficult as it may be, what attracted hubby to OW now. You see, we need to glean what hubby feels he needs/wants from this conglomerated persona and see if you would be comfortable adopting some of these traits yourself.
Now for the long terms I need you to specify what you see as best case scenario’s. They don’t have to be as specific or even attainable as the short term, but let’s be realistic. I would like three.
So, homework for tonight is three short term YOU goals, review and refresh Detaching threads, and three long term goals.
