[LoisB]

Bright,

I'm sorry you are feeling badly. I hope you get well soon.

I know you have been struggling with the whole "Should I stay or Should I go?" question.

I was thinking about what prompted me to move from our marital home and finally file for divorce. In my situation, you remember, I had to make some clear financial boundaries for the sake of the girls. I had to file to protect us and get the retirement I deserved.

I've recently been feeling a combination of joy for our new life and some grief over what we left behind. We left a great group of friends, a swimming pond which I miss terribly, a wooded trail, family, etc... I know Louisa has been feeling some grief too now that our lives have settled a little.

I didn't have much time to feel the grief in the year after we left because work and life was so overwhelming for me.

I've been thinking about that last straw. What was it? I remember looking around at our marital home and realizing I was still living inside our dream as a couple. But, I was alone in it and I was tired of investing my life in something which seemed dead. I didn't feel confident he would be back and I knew that, even if he did come back, too much damage had been done to pick up where we left off.

I had this realization that our dream, as a couple, the one we had together in the marriage, was now dead. Even if he came back, the home and marriage would have to be completely new. I NEEDED a life of my own. I needed a new dream and he could be a part of it or not... but, it had to be something I created for me.

Everything just felt dead. It was time to move forward. It was scary as hell and not easy. In fact, things got harder, much harder, before they got easier. However, in hindsight, I can see I'm living a life which is more authentic to who I really am. I'm living a fresh dream for me.

Matt still has the choice to come along for the ride. Even if it just means becoming a larger part of the kids' lives. He has that choice if he wants to make the effort. But, he will have to accommodate our new dreams, as opposed to vice versa.

I think that's key to recovery from abandonment--especially when you are blamed for the abandonment. I think it's vital, whether you stay in one place or not, to create a life which is ALL yours. Make your new life better in whatever way than the one you had. You may fall on your face and have to tweak stuff, but as long as you are being authentic, it's all good. It's recovery.

I don't hear you talk about your dreams. What do you want from this life?