I didn't drink last night, H was not drinking and this is the first night in at least a year I can remember that he wasn't drinking, so I decided not to be a bad influence. Had an ok night. Woke up this morning with a very bad realization. The part of H's talk that I validated, the part that upset me, but I just listened to. Well, its a bad one. I am hoping that this is just the "ice breaker" to this topic and with love and patience and therapy we can overcome it, but the way it is now it would be a deal breaker for me.
Basically he said that he doesn't believe me or my version of events, thinks I am lying. About his parents. For the last 10 months he has barely said a word to me and has been taking in long rants and rambling conversations about me from his parents.
So is this him doubting my perspective, and asking me to be more clear, or less emotional in our discussions so that he "trusts" what I am saying better, or is this his parents have finally gotten to him and have convinced him that I have been wrong about every disagreement we've had over the last 20 years? I have overheard some of their conversations so that is what I am afraid of. His mother will say one thing to my face and then literally one minute later deny it and this has been going on forever. It is a mix of stupid things and very hurtful things.
I cannot stay with someone who thinks I am lying. And I don't want to rehash all of the arguments to "prove" my point. I just want to be trusted, and I do truly want to, and have, let go of all of the "small" things- even things that aren't so small- for the sake of family unity, but I can not continue to be abused and have H believe that I am lying about it. I can not be "in love" with someone who thinks I am lying (for what reason would I lie?) He is accusing me of doing what his mother is actually doing. I believe its because I stopped engaging in any of it with her, my silence is being taken for guilt. Or rather, her continued attacks against me have gone undefended and he "finally sees the truth" because I stopped talking. But I purposely decided to take myself out of the middle of it to stop the cycle. I was taking the high road. But now I am the guilty one.
OK, deep breaths. This was just the ice breaker to the topic. We will get to a better place. Right?
