hey dazed, thanks for checking in on me. "what am I prepared to do" you asked....I don't know,maybe that is where I'm stuck, and I'm trying to think through why I'm having trouble coming up with an answer.... Part of my indecision comes from information I pick up: I keep rereading the part of DR about pressure sending them right out the door, and christines and ellies and sages posts about unconditional love, and considering H's expressions that he felt I didn't care before (frankly I can see why he felt that way), Read/Reread the DR info on MLC about how critical it is to give your H space to experiment, even if that experimentation involves OW (yep, that's verbatim what it says, I have it memorized, LOL)--bah, humbug, though!; I've carefully considered the DR info about why A's happen and how that needs to be used as a framework for deciding what to do....used that soul-searching to formulate my plan of action; in line with that plan of action, I've: --pretty much avoided all references to OW; --focused on the "trouble free times" and what we did then (DR) and tried to do more of that. --tried to strike a balance between "getting a life" and making our relationship a priority...I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a BIG part of our problem was distance...living parellel lives; --incorporated some pursuit (yes, I admit that!) but tried to make sure it is thoughtfully done and not knee jerk, but not always successful. This is in response to an old post from Michelle I was lucky enough to find on someones thread here that states "the key is to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. If being seen as clingy and dependent has been the stereotype, then getting a life and distancing may be just what the doctor ordered. If on the other hand distance has been a problem, some thoughtful pursuit may be in order". I have this in my bedside reading stash to try to keep the "thoughtful" part uppermost in my mind. --Backed off from anything that could be seen as controlling-tried to anyway, as this is another big issue for H... --stopped checking, snooping, asking (avoid being where I might run into something, although maybe I need to stop avoiding) --180's on control, sex, begging, pleading, etc. --Tried to make sure he could get the admiration, affection, affirmation, etc. from me that she filled in the holes for. I have also: --told him clearly I will not live the rest of my life like this; it will be me or her eventually and I can't make any promises how long I will wait. --told him that I do not feel he is honestly working on R as long as he is seeing OW
Another part of my indicision comes from what I perceive as success from my efforts. Some results I have seen: --A big change in the emotional tone of our R and family life. As late as last August, the R was cold, strained, distant. H yelled at me all the time, yelled at the kids, complained constantly about everything. was gone from home as much as possible and never did anything with Kids or I. I saw disgust and loathing when he looked at me, really felt that he hated me. I had the impression, and I think it was accurate, that h wanted to get as far away from me as fast as he could. --now, there is kidding/joking, more pt/ml, warmth in his eyes/voice, NO YELLING, "good vibes", even D22 commented he was "nicer than he's been in years" when she was home on break 2 wks ago. --H talks about future plans...wood for fireplace for fall, vacation, etc. --H has started to do little things like bring me coffee in mornings, --within last 6 weeks H has started to invite me to go on walks, started kidding around a little --About 3 weeks ago, H came to me & said ILY unsolicited, I replied "I love you too, and I don't think you know how much" H said "yes, I do, because you've stood by me through all this and I really appreciate it". --that week, H asked me to take S to R classes for rest of the year because "it would be best for all concerned", (some dispute last week, but I took him last nite w/no discussion at all) --2wks ago today, H told me, in heated discussion, that he was not seeing OW, but that they "still talk and are friends, that seems to work". I am not happy about this, but it seems to be a step in the right direction --H is taking steps to look for another job. even talk of moving w/me going w/him
Negatives in the sitch: --I believe H stills calls her (although not as much) --I suspect they probably still email/see eo at work; --H hasn't put wedding ring back on --H has not said he's "staying" --H still expresses fears that I will "hurt him" and that things will go "back to how they were before" --In same discussion when he told me he wasnt seeing her, he also said "I know she'll always be there if this doesnt work out --I want him to tell me he is done with her and it won't happen again --I would like for us to do things together more
So, you asked what I am willing to do, and I guess part of my problem in answering that is trying to visualize/operationalize options.....I can't see what I should do differently that would get me closer to my goals faster, unless it is to not say ILY...I'm not sure if that will get me closer to my goal or not.....hm, flirting a little more seemed to help, I havent done as much of that lately, because I've been so preoccupied.
I can see that it took us years to get into the mess we are in, and I want it to change NOW, but I know that's not realistic, and sometimes I think we've actually come a long way in a pretty short time. Then there are moments (not quite as many or as often now) when I am tempted to grab him by the seat of the pants and the back of his collar and pitch him out the door and change the locks. What from your perspective do you see that I should consider doing?
Do you feel I should give him an ultimatum at this point? I have considered doing that (seems like I consider it about every 2 weeks and then reconsider); I've considered filing for S and for D; I havent because when I try to look objectively at the sitch, setting aside my pride and personal desires and impatience that put such a subjective spin on it, I feel that I stand to gain nothing (I can't see one single thing I would gain) and stand to lose a lot (all the gains in the right direction in our R, plus many "tangilbles")....so I've not done this. I still debate from time to time.
I really am interested in input/thoughts on what I should consider doing differently........from Dazed and Any and Every body who might want to jump in!
