I talked w/doc again and got a little more clarification. today she did a dna test on the virus to identify the type of HPV. she said that this is what causes "nearly" 100% of abnormal pap smears. It is possible that I have had this for years and it has been dormant for a long time, it is possible that I have a new infection. I had an abnormal pap 12 or 13 years ago that cleared right up w/medication. she said that the technology didn't exist back then to do the viral dna testing, if it did she would be able to tell me if it was a new infection. I was wrong about the health dept. reporting/notification, it is considered an std but it's not one that they do notification on. soooooooo, hmmmm,,,,,still thinking on this, yep, need to be more careful, Dr. said what I decided to do with saying anything was up to me since it isnt one the state does notification on, but she said several times "you sure have ammunition to use", since I know her, I take that to mean she thinks I got it from them (maybe we are in cahoots).....so I don't know, still thinking here....Of course the highest ground would be that OW needs to know to be able to protect her own health.....tehehehe...........I need to do some research on the net before I say anything, though. my biggest worry was about the kids if I had had it for a long time, but she believes there's not reason for concern there, so that's a relief. said sometimes babies are born with nodules on vocal cords from it (never heard of that) but if it hasnt manifested by my kids ages, they probably don't have it. whew! Dang, just got some baby steps last night too!
Of course this puts a whole new spin on things. I believe this is H's 1st A, I may decide to do things differently if I find out it isn't.
I'm a little calmer now, gonna sleep on what to do/say. did some research on the net, I'm shocked at how common it is. guess I'll need to base some of what I do on what type it is. I hate to let lose with both barrels of heavy artillery since it is possible H& I both have had it for years. We both had other partners before we were married. It's sure possible OW got more than she bargained for.
Gonna post a baby step and some thoughts other than illness. Yesterday evening was so great, H asked me to go for a walk, (thats an invite to do something 4 out of the last 5 weekends, I believe) it was so wonderful, we walked hard and talked and laughed like old times for over an hour. H talked about getting the camper ready to go to the lake (we havent gone for almost 3 years!) Baby steps. H was in such a good mood last night. This morning when his alarm went off, he actually snuggled w/me just a minute before he got up for his infamous phone call. I will feel like it's a giant step if I can ever get him to ml then and skip the phone call. hehehe I got emails from him today at work, usually when she's around on Tuesday I don't hear much from him. One of them was about needing to get a new job pronto, just after an email from OW to all employees about losing her keys, so I wondered if there was a connection, naughty mind that I have.
Also last night, H made a comment about not being able to go out of town in his old vehicle without worrying about problems w/it. I've wondered if this was part of her appeal to him, as weird as that sounds, and kind of take his off-hand comments to heart. then on the way home as we were talking about his dads new SUV, S made a comment about how his dad used to always talk and talk and talk about how cool hers was. So, I still wonder if it didnt cause a disagreement between them somehow that now he has his very own....talk about jr high stuff! oh well....I still got baby steps!!!! I'm curious to see what kind of mood he's in when he gets home tonight!
Hi Rottz, I don't have much time today to post....I've been in lala land so long I'm behind at work and gotta do double time to catch up. I feel a little calmer, kind of, today; still thinking about what to do w/touchy new aspect of sitch....
last week (wed.) was the ugly incident with H's "Ill take S to religion class" email, no repeat of it so far, but I'm kind of on guard, not real sure how to handle it if he throws that out today. it makes me nuts either way, I think I'll stick to Bills suggested reply from last week about, thanks for the offer, I've got it covered.....
Life is so complicated....H is so much warmer and more talkative than he was last week....he sat for an hour at the table just chatting when he got home after a 12-hour day yesterday. Thats like we used to do way back in the "olden days", and feels so good. I try to put anything else I "should" be doing out of my mind and just enjoy sitting and talking with him...."played around" at bedtime at his initiation, (safely, I might add) although we were both tired. Monday night he invited me to go for a walk and that was so great, also like old times; he talked about getting the camper ready, things we always used to love to do. He's still joking around, telling the dog to "keep that woman away from me!", so much warmer than last week when he was so cold and angry and distant. I hope these are baby steps that last, I guess I have trouble believing they happen because of something I did....maybe I need to work on that...I saw that on someone's thread here.
Of course, my crazy-making worry is that he's so cheerful because things are great w/OW, but he sure looked upset when he came in the door Sat. evening....don't know for sure what to think.
I guess I need to focus on figuring out what I did to bring on more of the babysteps, believe they are real, and stay calm whatever comes up w/class tonight.
the only thing I can think of I did was making such a big effort to help w/car buying but then turn it over to him and back off; and doing more of the "when times were good" stuff...just talking, listening, hugging, etc. I guess the backing off was a 180 for me....now if OW is just dumb enough to get in there and chew his rear about it.....
Boy, do we ever get to do something about the infamous phone call? have you ever confronted your H about it. Why cant they at least respect our feelings? Its so disgusting when they can ML to us and still answer those phone calls? (Ok, I know this disgusting part contradicts my stand on ML!) Okay, whatever. Does you H also call her when he is with you? Maybe we need to think of somehting to convey to them that we are not comfortable about this?
My H never call me when she is with him , whcih is most of the time except for working hours and the time hw spent with me. Other than that, I cant even call him. I've tried a few times, either he wont answer, he answered but on purpose acted as if the line was bad and couldnt hear me or talked to me in a very harsh way and quickly got off the phone (he used to do this). Its really an insult and dont know if I can take it anymore. Acted as if but has been going on for far too long, no change in pattern.
Take care deb, check with you again later.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
You are in full blown pursuit and have become a full time enabler in the process. You deserve more than this and we need to discuss a couple of issues to determine how to proceed.
The time is now to decide where you are. To me, the emotional game hubby is playing with you is only for his safety net to be there. This is very different than the safety zone I talk about.
He is under no pressure or need to decide about the relationship because you are allowing him to fulfill his sleeping around fantasies and still have the assurances of a home.
What are you prepared to do about this, besides continue as is? You are a smart girl. You've been given great advice by several people here, and I'm sorry to say, your follow through looks weak. I especially like the 2 posts by BillFromYorktown on 3/31.
A recent post: ... anyway, I'm thinking I need to back up, regroup rethink and decide how to get back on track from here. I really need any thoughts on where to go next anybody has!
H is still obviously angry from my email yesterday, distant and cool this am, responded to ILY but not as "huggy" as usual. This am as we walked out to vehicles, I told him again that I was sorry for yesterdays email, he said "it's ok", and then I told him "I hope you'll be able to forgive me for it sometime", and he responded "I will", so maybe he just needs time to make sure I know how mad he is. I didn't hug or kiss on him, just told him I'd be thinking of him and praying for him. ..... So, what do I do now?
this much I've figured out:
--DONT ASK ANYTHING!!!!! I've been wanting to ask for clarification of some things he's said re: not seeing OW, if "it" doesnt work out, etc....have been biting my tongue and need to keep doing it....!!!!!
--AVOID R talks (goes w/#1)
--Listen & validate....I'm sure he's going to have a hard time w/some work stuff.
--Offer physical touch, backrubs, etc....as a comfort measure
--get my PMA back up, it's pretty low right now.
Aside from showing your need for validation, ILY's, all of the pursuit stuff, this shows a moment of mental clarity. The goals are okay, the reasoning is sound, we need to work on execution and refine some of the steps.
After reviewing a couple months of your posts, in my gut feelings, you haven't established the foundation for growth. As you said in your post, 'It may be time to back up, regroup .....'
I'm thinking beginner's mind stuff, detaching, starting fresh.
hey dazed, thanks for checking in on me. "what am I prepared to do" you asked....I don't know,maybe that is where I'm stuck, and I'm trying to think through why I'm having trouble coming up with an answer.... Part of my indecision comes from information I pick up: I keep rereading the part of DR about pressure sending them right out the door, and christines and ellies and sages posts about unconditional love, and considering H's expressions that he felt I didn't care before (frankly I can see why he felt that way), Read/Reread the DR info on MLC about how critical it is to give your H space to experiment, even if that experimentation involves OW (yep, that's verbatim what it says, I have it memorized, LOL)--bah, humbug, though!; I've carefully considered the DR info about why A's happen and how that needs to be used as a framework for deciding what to do....used that soul-searching to formulate my plan of action; in line with that plan of action, I've: --pretty much avoided all references to OW; --focused on the "trouble free times" and what we did then (DR) and tried to do more of that. --tried to strike a balance between "getting a life" and making our relationship a priority...I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a BIG part of our problem was distance...living parellel lives; --incorporated some pursuit (yes, I admit that!) but tried to make sure it is thoughtfully done and not knee jerk, but not always successful. This is in response to an old post from Michelle I was lucky enough to find on someones thread here that states "the key is to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. If being seen as clingy and dependent has been the stereotype, then getting a life and distancing may be just what the doctor ordered. If on the other hand distance has been a problem, some thoughtful pursuit may be in order". I have this in my bedside reading stash to try to keep the "thoughtful" part uppermost in my mind. --Backed off from anything that could be seen as controlling-tried to anyway, as this is another big issue for H... --stopped checking, snooping, asking (avoid being where I might run into something, although maybe I need to stop avoiding) --180's on control, sex, begging, pleading, etc. --Tried to make sure he could get the admiration, affection, affirmation, etc. from me that she filled in the holes for. I have also: --told him clearly I will not live the rest of my life like this; it will be me or her eventually and I can't make any promises how long I will wait. --told him that I do not feel he is honestly working on R as long as he is seeing OW
Another part of my indicision comes from what I perceive as success from my efforts. Some results I have seen: --A big change in the emotional tone of our R and family life. As late as last August, the R was cold, strained, distant. H yelled at me all the time, yelled at the kids, complained constantly about everything. was gone from home as much as possible and never did anything with Kids or I. I saw disgust and loathing when he looked at me, really felt that he hated me. I had the impression, and I think it was accurate, that h wanted to get as far away from me as fast as he could. --now, there is kidding/joking, more pt/ml, warmth in his eyes/voice, NO YELLING, "good vibes", even D22 commented he was "nicer than he's been in years" when she was home on break 2 wks ago. --H talks about future plans...wood for fireplace for fall, vacation, etc. --H has started to do little things like bring me coffee in mornings, --within last 6 weeks H has started to invite me to go on walks, started kidding around a little --About 3 weeks ago, H came to me & said ILY unsolicited, I replied "I love you too, and I don't think you know how much" H said "yes, I do, because you've stood by me through all this and I really appreciate it". --that week, H asked me to take S to R classes for rest of the year because "it would be best for all concerned", (some dispute last week, but I took him last nite w/no discussion at all) --2wks ago today, H told me, in heated discussion, that he was not seeing OW, but that they "still talk and are friends, that seems to work". I am not happy about this, but it seems to be a step in the right direction --H is taking steps to look for another job. even talk of moving w/me going w/him
Negatives in the sitch: --I believe H stills calls her (although not as much) --I suspect they probably still email/see eo at work; --H hasn't put wedding ring back on --H has not said he's "staying" --H still expresses fears that I will "hurt him" and that things will go "back to how they were before" --In same discussion when he told me he wasnt seeing her, he also said "I know she'll always be there if this doesnt work out --I want him to tell me he is done with her and it won't happen again --I would like for us to do things together more
So, you asked what I am willing to do, and I guess part of my problem in answering that is trying to visualize/operationalize options.....I can't see what I should do differently that would get me closer to my goals faster, unless it is to not say ILY...I'm not sure if that will get me closer to my goal or not.....hm, flirting a little more seemed to help, I havent done as much of that lately, because I've been so preoccupied.
I can see that it took us years to get into the mess we are in, and I want it to change NOW, but I know that's not realistic, and sometimes I think we've actually come a long way in a pretty short time. Then there are moments (not quite as many or as often now) when I am tempted to grab him by the seat of the pants and the back of his collar and pitch him out the door and change the locks. What from your perspective do you see that I should consider doing?
Do you feel I should give him an ultimatum at this point? I have considered doing that (seems like I consider it about every 2 weeks and then reconsider); I've considered filing for S and for D; I havent because when I try to look objectively at the sitch, setting aside my pride and personal desires and impatience that put such a subjective spin on it, I feel that I stand to gain nothing (I can't see one single thing I would gain) and stand to lose a lot (all the gains in the right direction in our R, plus many "tangilbles")....so I've not done this. I still debate from time to time.
I really am interested in input/thoughts on what I should consider doing differently........from Dazed and Any and Every body who might want to jump in!
