My wife had an affair..

[sandi2]

Do you know where the M stands now? Is she saying she's ready to do the hard work? Is she willing to have full disclosure of her phone, IPad, email, etc.?

Transparency is a must! It is for her, as much as it's for you. You cannot trust her at the moment. She will go through a hard time of withdrawals from the A/OM. Anything from him, a picture, seeing him across the street.....hearing his name.....anything can set her back to square one again.

You need to be able to look at her phone without notice. No warning, no scheduled time....just pick it up at any given time to look through her messages. Do not give her time to delete her messages. Know what I mean? If she is not willing to cooperate, then she's deceiving you. She needs to give an account of her whereabouts, who she's with, etc. Most women frown on this very much. The point is not to make her feel shame, or like you are punishing her, or treating her as a child. She would need to understand how transparency works and that it is to help her get back on the right track of getting the MR healthy again. You need it to build the trust again, and she needs it to guide her through the withdrawal period.

Some men will say that a PA is a dealbreaker for them. However, EA's are just as serious to women, b/c we are emotional based creatures and that's what EA's are all about. So, your M is not safe, just b/c she's not having an PA.

Let me state that it is very important that she goes through the process of having remorse, apologizing, and having the desire to do anything you say in order to save the M. Do not just assume that since she ended the A that she is over it and now things will resume back to way they use to be. Not true.

Do not allow her to come back into the MR too easily. In other words, if she's not willing to agree to a transparency plan, seek a solution-based MC, and put forth the necessary effort in saving this M, then do not agree to her terms. And listen, her attitude tells EVERYTHING! You know your W better than anyone. You can tell if her attitude is what it should be, or not. If she says, "Okay, I'm sorry!" but she uses that bad attitude tone of voice......look out. She's not there yet.

Now she on the other hand is saying nothing really, nothing especially about the A or us. No apologies no nothing. I'm not contacting her, I answer but don't initiate. No I love you's no nothing. I can't do anything for her at this point... she's not my priority and obviously I'm not her's because she's obviously not doing anything to make things better. As was said earlier, I thin she's waiting it out.. yet she doesn't think that this is not something you just push under the carpet.

She has to work out her issues, and she'll need your support....as much as you can give it. By that, I mean if she's serious about reconciling, then both of you will need to talk about what led her down that path. At some point, both of you must make the MR a priority in order to heal. It should be a healthy priority and not a codependent relationship.

Yes, you may be correct about her wanting to just wait it out. Not many WW's are eager to do the hard stuff, that I know about. Who would want to do that stuff? However, it's necessary.

At the moment, don't worry that you aren't hearing ILY, b/c she's not emotionally ready. You are in a delicate position of giving her support without smothering her. If she feels you emotionally pressuring her.....she'll pull away. (Like saying ILY to hear it back.)

Again, if she's serious about reconciling, her main work will be on herself. She will not have the emotional strength to immediately throw herself into the MR. She has to get OM out of her head, first. It was months before I could get my OM out of my mind, although I had ended all contact.

I think you do need some type of explanation from her very soon, to know where the M stands. If you wait around too long, you will fall into the land of limbo. It's terrible.

Tell me, does she act depressed, withdrawn and sad? Is she acting the same as usual?