in house S (4)

[vise82]

I am feeling stronger.

I feel W does not change my mood as often.

I feel that she needs to go through this temptation, have the choice to cross that line of PA to find out what she is truly feeling inside, Like OTW says.

Dropping the rope I am finding just happens after time, after doing the work.

Yesterday W sent an email about us going to my S6 cooking class because he cooks a meal for us. She also motioned she will be going to fat club one day a week.

I replied that the date was fine I had nothing going on that day and that I thought she didn't need to go to a fat club as I didn't think she was fat. She didn't reply back.

So she is ok with us going to that event as a family to my sons event, but not to her brothers.

I first felt that after the wedding she faced the temptation and she did nothing. I was thinking that maybe she was looking back. But now that she is looking for a OM and is planning on joining a gym to loose weight, I think I am wrong. WW is WW.



When I arrived home after work, I did the dishes and emptied the dish washer. No big deal. But instead of getting good feed back I got a list of other things to do. I ignored it and didn't do them.

Its funny when you read 100s of other peoples threads/posts and then months later I see the same thing is happening to me.

When I got my hair cut the other day the hairdresser was listening to me about my sit she asks if I have been going out. I haven't been going out socially, I have no friends right now and she is the only person in my world I have told. She has been cutting my hair for aver a year now and I text her to set up appointments. She tells me some of her problems. Money is tight for her and her kids. I recently won a $100 gas card at a work conference. I really don't need it, she needs it more then me. Is there any problem giving it to her?

This morning, I said good morning to W like she was a neighbor. I took care of the kids like she was not there, I made sure they got hugs and love yous, I took care of the dog. I said my good byes to the kids and said good bye to W. All with purpose and confidence.

I am applying for a promotion at my work today, one reason why is because I am scared to get the position.

[OhGreat]

Can I ask why you ignored the list? What was on it? Was it stuff you use to do? Stuff you never did? Stuff for the W? Stuff for the house?
Also, I think ignoring a request can come across as passive aggressive. Did you not like the way she asked? If that's the problem, you can say something like you feel it's disrespectful to be spoken to that way and you will not do anything if requested in a disrespectful manner (I'm not saying to do this, just putting some options out there.)
Also, not everything has to be a battle. Have you spoken to a coach yet?

[vise82]

Hey OhGreat,

Her list was to get rid of boxes that were used to bring in groceries that W bought for the house, To take toys that were put at the top of the basement stairs by her for me to take to the basement, and to put bread in the basement freezer.

She said it in another room to me and I just acted like I didn't hear it. But I would do it on my own time. This is like I used to do but I would take many days to get to it. I am planning on doing it today.

I felt like she thinks am her employee and she is my boss. She does something then leaves part of it for me to finish. Why wont she just follow through and complete the job? I haven't talk to a coach. I used to go to IC.

[OhGreat]

You should try a DB coach IMHO. Look, only you know what the dynamic was like before. I don't know what you did or didn't do. I know that in my home I didn't do much. I made sure it got done, but I didn't do it. One of the changes I made was doing it myself. When my w asks me to do something now, I try to do it. I think it's a good sign for us. I don't know what it means but I think it's good. Anyway, the last resort thing is really just a strict 180 little room for error. So, if before you used to do it but be pissed off about it, then you could not do it say nothing, tell her why you are not doing it and not do it, or do it but be happy. Then experiment and see what works. I know we speak of loss to a WW but that comes in many many forms. Here's a scenario-

Joe's wife used to yell at Joe to do things like Joe was a child. Joe would do them then be upset and moody. Joe's w then told everyone how Joe can't even do stuff around the house without complaining.

One day, Joe's wife starts yelling at Joe. Joe says, I feel very disrespected when spoken to that way. I agree these things need to be done, but if I'm asked that way, I will not help with this. If you'd like my help though, please speak to me respectfully and I will try to help if I am able to. Here Joe's w LOST her ability to disrespect Joe to his face and one of her complaints against him.

Again, this is just an example-there are probably dozens of ways Joe could've responded back that were entirely different than before. Try to think about what you did before, then try to do something different. Test it out, see how it works.

[sandi2]

In Vise's sit is it possible this is a step the WW may have to go through on the way back to the LBS?

I'm not sure what Vise's W is doing that you refer to as a step. Can you expound a little more?

[otw]

In Vise's sit is it possible this is a step the WW may have to go through on the way back to the LBS?

I'm not sure what Vise's W is doing that you refer to as a step. Can you expound a little more?

I was referring to her realizing maybe she isn't happy right now after she thought she would be separating from him. Now she wants affection to be happy and feels she can't ask him since he is her problem. So she looks elsewhere. Then maybe figures out after that it isn't all she was hoping for.

[sandi2]

One day, Joe's wife starts yelling at Joe. Joe says, I feel very disrespected when spoken to that way. I agree these things need to be done, but if I'm asked that way, I will not help with this. If you'd like my help though, please speak to me respectfully and I will try to help if I am able to. Here Joe's w LOST her ability to disrespect Joe to his face and one of her complaints against him.

This is great!

Vise, here's how I see the whole "wait a while and then do what she wants" thing. Ignoring her and then doing it later, tells her NOTHING, except you finally did what you were told! Ignoring these type of issues is not the way to handle it. How the H addresses it will determine the results. You go face her (don't yell from another room) and address this to her. With a lowered tone of voice, calmly tell her something similar to the story above. Speak with confidence. That's the kind of man only a fool would leave.

I felt like she thinks am her employee and she is my boss.

Exactly!

She does something then leaves part of it for me to finish. Why wont she just follow through and complete the job?

Why? B/c she knows you'll finish it for her.

So, why not make this a boundary? "I will no longer complete W's unfinished work". "If she continues to tell me to finish the job she started, then I will ____________".

[vise82]

Hey Sandi,

I cant believe you agree with me on this not finishing what she starts. Its feels good to be validated.

I will have to re read this to try to remember all this. I am not going to do the work she asked me to do, and I will wait,. I will remember what to say because she will surly mention it to me.


I feel very disrespected when you talk to me that way.
I agree that things need to get done but if you ask me that way, I will not help.
If you want me to help please ask me respectfully and I will do what I can to help.
What I wont help with is your unfinished work.
If you continue to ask me to finish your work I will pile it up on the bed you sleep in.

[Fogg]

and that I thought she didn't need to go to a fat club as I didn't think she was fat. She didn't reply back

She's not going to respond to these types of comments so for now stop doing it.

[sandi2]

I cant believe you agree with me on this not finishing what she starts. Its feels good to be validated.

I am not going to do the work she asked me to do, and I will wait,

I hope you mean you will not wait, as a means of avoiding conflict.

I will remember what to say because she will surly mention it to me.

If this should happen again, you should approach her face to face and state your boundary.

I feel very disrespected when you talk to me yell at methat way from another room, telling me what to do.
I agree that things need to get done but if you ask order me that way, I will not help.
If you want me to help please ask me respectfully and I will do what I can to help. (Does this include her unfinished work?)
What I wont help with is your unfinished work.
If you continue to ask tell me to finish your work I will pile it up on the bed you sleep in.

Be certain that you don't make statements you can't adhere to. Always think it through. Don't be quick to do things that appear childish or vindictive. She may not, but let's say you did dump her stuff in her bed....What if she does something worse to you as a result? What if you just left the stuff where she put it? Would that work, or not? I'm just suggesting.