I just reread nitaf's post. I guess I'm having a pretty tough time w/the unconditional love part when it feels like he's wanting me to know that he's still in love w/carrying on with her. I seem kind of stuck there.
Hey deb, you know what to do. Your H is very sensitive right now because of what's going on in his life. Do exactly what you said. Unconditional love and understanding and patience.
It's easy to say the words and that you understand, applying it is so different.
thanks Rotz, I appreciate hearing from you....it helps so much. I hate to say it, but if I get a positive test result, I will have a really really really tough time w/the unconditional love part. but, not gonna go across that bridge unless I have to.
anyway, he is so incredibly hypersensitive and I can't believe how fast stuff changes with him. last weekend was SO GREAT. I just can't believe that has all gone completely down the tubes. surely it hasn't....I gotta remind myself from MNdad's post about things getting worse as they are getting better. It's just hard to comprehend how fast things change and how all-over-the-place H can be.
I still wonder if OW wasnt putting the screws to him about meeting her last night...I just kind of have a feeling she was. I which case, I have to admit I don't have a whole lot of regrets about what I did even if it did make him mad, because I don't think he saw her last night, and I know he would have had he taken S. I pretty sure he didn't see her because i did put my arm around him when I got home, and I hate to sound gross, but he'd been walking the treadmill and lifting weights and not just his shirt but even his shorts were soaked with sweat in the back. oh well, I'm gonna try to regroup and get the good stuff going again this weekend, no mention of OW, no R stuff unless h brings it up (he won't) I gotta get a little detachment back somehow...deep breaths, I guess, a walk, take S somewhere while H does "paperwork"; give him time to calm down
My H had EA, and I thought it was a PA. I got an infection (turned out to be bacteria-like yeast) and I drilled him for days about lying and saying it was not a PA when it was because I had an STD. Turned out that the OB-GYN I went to see was new and filling in for my doctor and didn't know what he was looking at. My dr came back and straightened me out and what a fool I felt like. Felt good to know that H did not crack under the "proof" of a PA, though. What it did do was drive us very far apart for a long time.
What I'm saying is -it stinks to think it may be true, and I feel for you - but it's not worth pushing him away. Think long and hard now about your response to the sitch just in case it turns out to be true, you'll be prepared.
yep, I know....except this one is viral and it's the 2nd test and I havent been anywhere else to get it....no, I don't want to drive him away, even if it's positive. maybe it will be negative this time.
It sure puts me on edge though, I already have to really work to bite my tongue and it just makes it that much harder to keep quiet.
H is already talking about having to go do paperwork this weekend. maybe he does. I havent been checking up. I just hope he can find another job.
I agree with you that we should hold a contest to see who is the Queen of Backslide here! You know by now I am also in that category. But having said that, it is ironic that everytime we backslid, we'll get better at our DBing, we have new strength and new wisdom.
I look at your sitch and I was thinking, at least you have H at home with you (or is it? Or I thought so?)! Not that I say it's easier or anything, as I believe that every sitch is unique and has its own challenges. But I'll do anything to have H with me at home.
My H is living with OW, and every waking moment that I have, I cant help but visualize that H is with her when he is not with me, which is almost 7 days a week. he calls me but he calls OW more, and he is saying that he will be home soon! I just read DR again and this time it gets to me when Michelle said that focus on problem free times and enjoy that moment. I;m trying to do that and I hope you will too.
I know its difficult when your H seems to be testing you. My H also is scrutinizing my every move, which is killing me, and every time I seemed to say or do the worng thing, he will drill me on it. Feels like I am walking on eggshell nowadays.
There's a thread called its not too late here, cant remember the poster, but she gave me hope. Go check her out if you havent.
Take care...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Hi Bold, thanks for your input...yes, focusing on the problem free timesis a good place to put my mind right now. you're right,my H is home, has never left or even said he wanted D, (said that was his original plan) just keeps on w/OW....I absolutely can't comprehend how you cope w/your H living w/OW...you must be incredibly strong, I don't think I could do it. Many days my one comfort is that he's still at home, and I tell myself that the longer he stays, the better chance I have.
S has been gone all weekend, I thought maybe we could have a really romantic time, but we've spent so much time trying to buy a vehicle, we're both pooped. so not much spark flying. I just feel kind of numb today...
Sometimes it seems like the devil tries to throw this stuff in my face though....Friday at noon, I used H's cell phone to try to call the bank from the car dealers....don't know how I did it, but somehow I got OW, she just told me I had wrong #, but I recognize her ugly voice. H always thinks I'm checking up on him, so I told him about it incase he found the call in his phone, he just laughed....don't know if I should have said anything or not....I waited 24 hours and still couldnt decide, so I did.
I also did very bad db'ing....asked him (in same discussion)if it was accurate that he told me last thursday that he wasnt seeing OW....he said it was....didn't look like he was lieing,either
H went to the office yesterday, I'm kind of thinking maybe he really did....When he came in the door, 1/2 hour late, which is unusual, it was really weird. His face was all red, like he had been crying, although I saw no tears, He almost yelled at me that it was Palm Sunday, walked right by me and went up stairs. He seemed kind of down all night....I wonder if they are fighting again? Oh,How I wish.... I'm so stressed and out of it, I am going to have to force myself to get "up" .....just feel blah today for some reason....have been really tired all week, for no discernable reason.
at the risk of overanalyzing....I bet I figured out what was up w/H when he came home so upset Saturday evening (it was the weirdest thing); he may have thought I would jump him because he was 1/2 hour late ( I didn't say a word) which is very likely a part of it...but, my guess is he was either telling OW about his new vehicle or went & saw her with it, and I'll bet SHE jumped his rear-end about it....H & my names are both on the title and the loan, so it would be more complications to sort out if he decides to leave; plus, if he leaves, I think it would be a huge stretch for him to handle the payments by himself/on her salary.
The more I think about it, the more I believe that has to be what happened. I've never been in the habit of saying much about him being just a little late. Boy, he was upset when he came in the door though! If she has done that, it's a great thing for me, because this thing is incredibly important to him (mid-life crisis toy?) and is one of the big problems he's identified in his life/our M, that his vehicle wasnt good enough....
My attitude has been "Ok, I didn't realize that was a problem, but lets see if there is something we can do about it" and then to help him get it taken care of....I've been thinking about the "special as-if attitude" post where it talks about the immediate task being to "quiet down their taker" and thought of this as a way to start to do that, plus meeting some of his emotional needs. I have never said a word to him about having any expectations that this would influence his decision one way or another.
I'm just glad it's done, that "issue" is taken care of for him for now (I'm sure there will be something later) and we can recuperate from the car-shopping experience. It's not an enjoyable thing for me.
I'm kind of surprised his MLC vehicle is a 4wheel drive suv instead of the royal blue 'Vette that was sitting on the showroom floor! Actually, he did talk about getting a 'vette 2 weeks ago, and then made the comment "that would make me a chic magnet and then I'd get in trouble for it"....the more I think about it, this guy really is off the wall and all over the place right now!
I put a 180 into play in our car-buying effort, thanks to input from earlier posts from Underdog and Rottzilla! kind of an expensive way to get a chance to do a 180, but at least I took advantage of it!
What I did was back way off and let H do the bargaining/signing/deciding/etc. I know he sees me as controlling, and that is an issue for him. I can recognize that I have really always been the take charge person in doing this kind of stuff....so, I did "behind the scenes" stuff, like calling the bank and finding out which dealers had models on hand he was interested in, and then backed off pretty much completely and let him handle it....i even let him decide how to title it (so he's the one that had it put in both our names). when questions came up, I would just look at him or ask "what do you think is best?"....THAT IS SO 180'ish for me.....really felt strange.
It will be interesting to see if any results come from this or what might, but I know he had to have noticed, because it is so out of character for me. I need to look for more opportunities to be less controlling, I guess.
Thanks, Underdog and Rotzilla, if you see this, for helping me be aware of this! as I think BoldnBeautiful or nitaf said, we gotta use every weapon in our arsenal....
