Please help!

[focus22]

Thank you shotgun! And sending you positive thoughts back

I've not been so good at looking after my physical health, tbh.

What are you managing to do for that side of things? Hoping I might find some inspiration.

[focus22]

So, I have a question.

Does the affair partner (the OW) not feel some level of insecurity?

I mean, if a married man was willing to enter into a secret closeness with someone that wasn't his partner, and in that betray his partner of 15 years, would the OW not think/imagine/worry that the same might happen to her at some point?

I know I should be focussing more on myself, but someone asked me a question about my H yesterday and it got me thinking about him (I also had a nightmare about both of them together last night).

On the plus side, yesterday I went for a quick window shop. I haven't looked at clothes for myself for goodness knows how long. I think probably because I've felt so low and down about myself over the past few years I didn't buy anything, but it was nice to look at pretty things for a half hour.

Also on the plus side, I used some of the reward points I had been collecting for a while to get a little something to help me look a little different/nicer. Nothing drastic, just something I can enjoy spending a little time and care on. I'm giving it a trial run this morning.

And, I'm managing to sleep a bit more at night. At first, I could only manage a handful of hours, and would spend pretty much the rest of my waking day in tears, but I think I'm up to about five hours sleep a night now and am trying to steer my thoughts to something more positive and constructive for myself.

Not saying I'm not seeing/learning some pretty hard truths about myself and who I am. But I'm not scared of those, and don't feel disillusioned or crushed by them. They are what they are, and I know why I have been (maybe still am?) like that.

I've always been in a rush to pick things apart, understand, sort things out and to get somewhere in my life, but I'm realising more and more that time is my friend in this whole thing. I never thought I would say this, right in the middle of this total nightmare situation, but I'm beginning to feel a huge sense of calm and stillness.

[shotgun]

Hey focus22. I don't know if you are getting your exercise but it has helped me tremendously by getting me out of the house and burning off some energy. I try to work out tree days a week and run a couple of days and take yoga two days. The weather is making it tough to do anything outside so I guess I will have to start using the treadmill. Probably better to go to the gym anyway as there will be other people there. Getting in shape is part of rebuilding our lives and looking and feeling good will help with both DB and with making us feel better about ourselves. Gets me a little attention from the ladies and I'm sure the guys will notice you getting in shape. You can punish your husband by looking great as well and I am certain that there was a time when he thought you were the prettiest girl in the world. Get back to that girl and you are on your way to happiness!

[focus22]

Thank you, shotgun.

That's super impressive, what you're doing there. Congrats Bet it's helping to make you feel great!!

Yup, some gym would be good. I'm half thinking of maybe doing some dance classes too? I used to do a lot of dancing when I met my H. I used to really love dancing, and I miss it. I'd like to try something a little different this time round, perhaps ballet?

My work is pretty active and varied, so I guess I'm quite lucky on that front. I've lost so much weight this past month. Last time I checked (a week or so ago) it was a stone - which I think is 14 pounds for Stateside peeps. Maybe it's more now. I'm quite small anyway, so it's really pretty noticeable.

I also had the loveliest compliment ever from one of my best friends today, who said I was one of the most positive people she'd ever come across. She said I make her feel that anything at all is possible and that she can do anything she wants to. I actually had a little cry to myself when I read her message this afternoon.

I've been trying to make sure I look fine and dandy whenever I go out the front door, even if it's for something small and straightforward. I've found that is making a difference too to how I'm feeling. And I reckon that's coming across in what other people are picking up on and how they're seeing me?

The really funny thing is, I've had a few guys chat me up over the past 10 days or so. One very obviously had a bit of a thing for me when I was on my way to my GAL activity on Monday...it was hilarious. I could tell he thought I was quite a bit younger than I actually am (thanks to my genes for that), pretty glamorous (thanks to my job for that), and exotic too (thanks to my background for that one).

I was happy enough chatting to him for a while, but I don't know what I would have done if he'd asked me for my phone number. Thankfully he didn't...potentially awkward situation avoided.

[focus22]

I'm honestly not sure how I feel about my H at the moment.

I've finally been able to look at some photographs of him, and I don't feel a connection there. They seem to belong to another lifetime and another world.

Is this normal?

[shotgun]

Your feelings are completely normal. You are beginning to detach which means that you are getting back to working on yourself, developing a positive self image. I am impressed that you have lost a stone of weight. Unfortunately I have as well. Probably a stone and a half. Oh well the Dr says I look fine. One man's perspective is to get yourself a new hairdo and maybe a makeover. Learn a new skill or find a new interest that will stimulate your mind. Rouky and I have talked a lot about this. There are financial challenges to these things but sometimes there are things we can do that cost very little or nothing. Keep the pressure on your husband and get in the mode of driving all the boys crazy!

[Dawgs]

Hi Focus22! Hope you don't mind me stepping in on part of your post but maybe I can shed some light on one of your questions.

Does the affair partner (the OW) not feel some level of insecurity?

I mean, if a married man was willing to enter into a secret closeness with someone that wasn't his partner, and in that betray his partner of 15 years, would the OW not think/imagine/worry that the same might happen to her at some point?

Honestly, I think that a person who becomes the affair partner has insecurity issues to begin with, at the least. But they do have some emotional issues they feel that is fulfilled by that person. I also think that they fully believe (only those who actually develop some feelings) that the leopard can change its spots. And there are some that just don't care at all.

Let me relate a story about a friend of mine that happened around 15 years ago. Please bear with me for a bit while I attempt to explain this. We were roommates at the time and lived in a small subdivision. In the next subdivision (literally a five minute walk) there lived a married woman whose husband went to another state for job purposes and also to build a new house for their family (they had two young daughters). So for roughly a period between six months to a year, he lived up there while she stayed down here with her children and he would come back a few times a month. Also, keep in mind that we had mutual friends (the married couple and me and the roommate) who lived a few houses down. Almost daily he would walk over to her house after the kids went to bed with the exception of when the husband would come home. He was convinced that she was going to leave her husband and they would be married - only that never happened. After the house was completed, the husband came back for about a week to get the family and do the friend goodbye thing. During that time, my friend and her had one last "night" in a hotel where she told him she didn't know if she were cheating on him or her husband. That really messed my friend up. Fast forward a almost a year, and after talking by phone almost nightly with her - and a visit or two when they would come down on holidays - she told him that she was getting divorced. My friend was elated - and I mean elated! Come to find out, she met someone else up there had another affair and got caught. The woman told my friend it was a very nasty divorce and to not contact her at all. Come to find out, the husband knew of him, also, but never contacted him. Guess what happened to the woman? She married the man she had the second affair with - and he is very rich, if that tells you something.

My friend ended up meeting an awesome woman and moving across country with her. They have kids and are doing great. I don't talk to him all that much, but I knew at the time he really had insecurity issues and looked for love wherever he could find it, even if it was destructive.

Fast forward present times. I saw the mutual friend (who lived a few houses down from us back then) a few weeks ago at the gym. We talked about things and the topic came up of my roommate and the woman. Come to find out, him and his wife knew something was going on but never told the husband until after they moved (and he asked questions). Also, the woman had a little girl less than a year later who he swears looks just like my roommate. We had a long discussion about that. I told him I thought it wasn't right many times during the affair, but he wouldn't listen. He was in love. But he never knew that she was a serial cheater and he thought that he could change her.

[focus22]

Thank you so much Spiff69. I really appreciate you telling me that story. It's actually helped put a lot of things into perspective for me and given me a new understanding on my own situation.

I find it hard to see beyond the surface of OW. The surface is that she's very, very good at her job and very successful (they work in the same industry). She's seemingly incredibly independent, much younger than me (and H) and everyone adores her. One of his friends commented on the 'special bond' that they had developed, without any regard for our relationship, for our marriage. I felt that was quite disrespectful to me/us. Is she beautiful? Meh, I dunno...I guess in way? When I think about it I feel quite crushed, so I'll stop now.

Anyway, because of your post I'm also starting to think my H may also be a bit of a coward. I'm starting to think that he's not really going to do anything to sort this situation out. He's painted himself into a corner, and whatever way he turns to try and get out of it, it's not going to be nice or easy (for either of us, but for him especially since he has to also deal with the guilt of it all).

What I'm also starting to think, is that at some point in the future OW is going to want more of him. And that 'more' will include getting married. But before that happens, he needs to be legally free to get married, which means he needs to face some/all of this stuff.

I think I might get the brunt of all his negative feelings. He's going to keep them from OW, isn't he? He'll be on his best behaviour at the moment, won't he? He'll be cutting down on the alcohol and drug use, so it just all seems within 'normal' boundaries and not the crazy, self destructive levels it's been at for the past 4 or 5 years.

So I'm going to get all the hysterical levels of guilt he's feeling, and all the anger too. I can feel my heart sinking...I have real trouble dealing with other people's anger and would do anything to avoid confrontation. Other people's anger scares me rigid (my own dad was quite violent, and used to use the threat of his anger against me). So maybe this is the time to deal with this stuff, for my own sake?

I don't want my H's anger, or guilt, or any of the crappy feelings he's saddled himself with. They're not mine to deal with, they're his.

It all comes down to having good boundaries, doesn't it? And to have good boundaries, you need to feel a sense of yourself, believe in that and have respect for that.

I flipping hate this path that I've been forced to go along sometimes.


Have I maybe said all this before? I can't remember...my head is a bit scrambled.

[Dawgs]

Thank you, Focus! Glad my story could have helped you in any way possible.

I find it hard to see beyond the surface of OW.

Remember, that the surface is just that - the surface. I would be willing to bet that deep down there are a lot of issues that are eating away at her. Otherwise, why would she pursue a married man? Unless she was just total crap and wanted the unattainable, then something else was going on within her.

Take my friend, for example. He is a really nice guy - and carries the nice guy label, too. Successful with the ladies but failed a lot of relationships as they didn't last that long. I have known him seemingly all my life and know him well and can say that he has insecurity, trust, and a whole host of other issues he kept hidden from the world. But, eventually these would leak out in one form or another that would ultimately destroy every relationship he was in. So, unless she is a total snake, then something else is going on.

I'm also starting to think my H may also be a bit of a coward.

I have never thought of that to describe a cheater. But it really makes sense. I would bet that he is no different than the others, caught up in the attention and all that goes along with it. Is he one that likes to be pursued? But there is also something deeper going on with him, too.

What I'm also starting to think, is that at some point in the future OW is going to want more of him. And that 'more' will include getting married.

That very well may happen. I know my friend did. He loved, or thought he loved her - maybe he was in love with the attention she gave him and all. But, according to him, she said and did all the right things. He gave her the attention she needed to feel loved and wanted, and she did likewise. But the difference is that he really did feel that way and used it to get what she wanted. Your H may indeed run at that point, that is if the OW pushes that issue.

So I'm going to get all the hysterical levels of guilt he's feeling, and all the anger too. I can feel my heart sinking...I have real trouble dealing with other people's anger and would do anything to avoid confrontation. Other people's anger scares me rigid (my own dad was quite violent, and used to use the threat of his anger against me). So maybe this is the time to deal with this stuff, for my own sake?

I am sorry, but you can almost bet on that. I read an excellent thread (I think it was one of Pho's) on here where the discussion and conclusion that he was projecting. It was a great read and helped me out, too.

Boundaries? Yes, you will need to set them. First and foremost, as many have said on this site countless times, you will need to set one concerning the OW. Sandi is great at giving advice on the WS. But yes, you need them. We all do or how can we even respect ourselves?

We all hate this path, Focus, we all do. Especially me.

[focus22]

Your feelings are completely normal. You are beginning to detach which means that you are getting back to working on yourself, developing a positive self image. I am impressed that you have lost a stone of weight. Unfortunately I have as well. Probably a stone and a half. Oh well the Dr says I look fine. One man's perspective is to get yourself a new hairdo and maybe a makeover. Learn a new skill or find a new interest that will stimulate your mind. Rouky and I have talked a lot about this. There are financial challenges to these things but sometimes there are things we can do that cost very little or nothing. Keep the pressure on your husband and get in the mode of driving all the boys crazy!

Thank you shotgun!

I was really on it today. Tried a new hairstyle, took a lot of time and care getting ready (only one small GAL activity, then going to work).

Got loads of compliments from people (mainly women) about how I looked - one of my colleagues said I looked really beautiful. And noticed a few guys checking me out too...funny!

But my little GAL activity was something that inadvertently tore my soul in two, and a few people I know who were near me said I looked totally shell shocked after.

On the plus side, that shell shocked feeling then enabled me to speak to a friend about the whole situation. I've not really told anyone about it all. She's lovely, and I'm very grateful she was willing to listen (toned down version, with a strict time limit on the conversation).

I was also invited to a new year's eve party by someone I work with. She doesn't know what's going on, but I was so happy that she thought of me. I've always spent new year's eve with my H and my in laws, in their village, doing something work related but for the benefit of the community there. So I've been thinking about it, and really dreading it over the past couple of weeks.

Trying hard to see positives in today, when I've also felt pretty crushed and down as well.

Hope you're OK. Thank you so much for stopping by and offering me help and advice.