It's when a H sees you as an extension of himself, a fit to complete him. Any problems he has appears as your issues and this is sometimes called blame shifting.
So whatever he says about you is mirroring him. Good and bad.
A projection can be of unacceptable thoughts, motivations, desires and feelings that are placed in the outside world and attributed to someone else. In other words if your H doesn't like parts of himself and his life he will externalise them on others including you. In some psychological schools projection isn't thought to be solely arbitrary, it takes a small fault in another or typical human trait and latches the projection in a much bigger way. So for example most of us including you get lazy sometimes so a projection would be "you are always lazy and never do the things I like." Or occasionally you tell a white lie so " you lie all the time, you are a compulsive liar".
The best things can also be projected putting you on a pedestal too, which is equally problematic.
All of this happens at times of great stress or crisis. It's to a certain degree normal behaviour as we all do this, and it can create rapport and desire, and ease us through difficult times. We can buy another's view of us as this allows us to believe the issue is under our control and thus can be changed. Hence you never clean the house or share the chores, makes us believe if we do those things the problem is resolved, when actually it isn't our issue.
So how do we distinguish between genuine concerns and projections? Genuine concerns are stated as boundaries and requests. I would like you to do X Y or Z in future or when you do X, I feel Y so Z is the consequence.
Counter projection involves reflecting back the projection by accepting it, so for example if you are told you are selfish and as its a human trait (every one is selfish) then you believe the germ of truth.
I used to accept as completely true the statement that "you are the most selfish person in the world", hence fulfilling the role designated to me. At its worst it created serious denial problems in My WH. In accepting the shadows within me (for example Plain Vanilla in my case) and the parts which are unacceptable (for example screaming banshee) I become myself. We are all a balance of traits positive, negative and human. In that way what another says won't affect us. If you feel there is truth in the projections, it will hurt. The more absurd they are (like your bike example) the easier it is to reject.
Don't take the bait don't discuss, explain, defend, respond, attack, back, project back, or use logical. Don't argue, H projecting can now do exactly what he intended that is to deflect the focus from himself.
The worse H feels about what he has done, wants, or feels, the more attacking and vehement he may be. It’s a crazy-making for you, so merely state " really?" Or " if you say so" or " I don't accept that" and then STFU. If there is a little truth in it " I can see why you might think that although I can't agree". Try fogging " there might be something in what you say H" or "I will consider that" ------------------------------------------------- Examples off WH projections from my sitch:
“You are the most selfish person in the world ever.” This means I’m very selfish indeed and I don’t want to admit it or deal with it.
“You never want me to have my own opinion and my opinions don't count " This means I am very judgmental of others and myself and because I really think this is poor I am blaming you.
“Everything is about you and you never consider me or buy me anything I like. You don't cook the food I want.” This means I am so fond of myself and need you to be my servant for all my needs, and feed me like a dependent child.
“You’re crazy, you have worms in your brain and need serious help, go get yourself sorted in a mental hospital” This means I am very frightened feeling or acting out of control and this is something I need help with but can't acknowledge.
"You’re abusive to me and extremely nasty and unpleasant.” Means I know that I am behaving in an abusive way and I refuse to deal with it, so I make myself think it's you. ----------------------------------------------- There are a few I spotted in yours
" You destroyed MILs life" means I think I am the cause of my mothers health and annoyance and I can't face that.
" you don't go biking with me" means I don't go biking any more so I am blaming you for not going with me.
" it's all her" means I know it's all me and I can't accept that as it's too painful.
Those are my thoughts from my notes, hope it's helpful.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
