Don't know what to do anymore...

[Painter]

Quick recap (I've been posting in Piecing, but there's not much traffic there):

H had an affair last year. It had been an EA for at least a year, then turned into a PA while I was away at school for a few months. Several things contributed to create a perfect storm - him getting laid off (huge blow to self), me disagreeing with him spending all his (our) retirement on a business scheme doomed to fail, old flame with unfinished business contacting him online.

There were some really serious and extensive lies involved during the A, and H even retained a D lawyer and tried to find ways to ban me from our marital home. When I came back I found out about all of this, H said it was over, and we reconciled - on his initiative. I said all the time that I wanted to try to save the marriage, but set some terms for reconciling. He fulfilled two out of three.

We saw a DB counselor for a while, and things were bumpy but gradually getting better. H was still reclusive - rarely answered my calls, we slept in separate bedrooms (still do), not affectionate - but wanted regular sex.

Then H decided he didn't want to do more counseling, that he didn't want to try to show me affection (which is one of my main unmet needs), that it was too much "pressure". He feels pressured very easily.

Right now, I feel very pessimistic about us. H still doesn't answer my calls for the most part, we're still in separate bedrooms, but he feels that he is trying because we sometimes watch TV together (on separate couches) and he's being nicer. He is in fact less angry and somewhat more open to talking about his feelings, but very undecided about our future and seems to want to wait passively to see what happens, rather than take initiative to secure one outcome or the other.

He does not seem concerned with my needs, only his own. If I express my needs, he will change the conversation around to his needs. They are: dinner when he comes home, financial and practical help and keeping the house up (I've taken on a lot more since I'm not working full time right now), and ML regularly. He is hurt that I don't take more initiative to ML. I've tried to explain that there is nothing happening that makes me want it (no affection, no attention). I've tried to create affectionate interaction, but he makes it sexual every time, or even acts awkward, like he doesn't feel comfortable. I've tried to ML a lot to see if it would elicit more affection, like he promised it would, but it doesn't.

He says he's 'trying to feel it' - but he doesn't do anything to create the feeling, it's just when it happens randomly, and his only way of expressing it is by wanting to ML.

I'm ready to give up. I have told him that I cannot live in an affection-less marriage, and that I can't ML when I feel so deprived and rejected every day. Examples of rejection is: Never giving me a hug and kiss when leaving or coming home, never touching me in a non-sexual way, not answering most of my calls, not wanting to spend any time off with me (he admitted that he's not willing to do anything else than what he likes the most, which is an activity I don't enjoy and that he does with his friends), not coming to events where I participate. He rarely says please or thank you, although I notice that he does it more when he is 'trying'. It is really hard for him to ask me for anything - he can say out in the air that 'I need this or that', but he can't say 'Can you help me with this.'

His anger (although less frequent) is also very off-putting. He thinks that I should 'get over it' in 5 minutes once he is done with his outbursts. They usually include profanity and yelling, cursing me out without any attempt to hold back. He is also frequently very grumpy and irrational. He tends to go off when we're in the car and he's driving, so I can't get away from it. There's been some spectacular events where I got reamed out for 20 minutes straight for some perceived offense, during drives that were initially for a very pleasant purpose.

Not saying that it's all his fault and that I'm perfect, but I don't know what to do when I have spelled out my needs, I've tried to fulfill his needs, I've tried to be here, and to go away, I'm GAL'ing like crazy, got two part-time jobs to help out financially, have taken over some of his chores outside, and whatever else he has expressed a need for, but he just seems happier when I'm not home.

I am not going to leave my home, but I think I would be happier being alone than feeling so lonely with someone else.

Advice? Especially from guys, if you think you have ideas.