Pho's thread- solving problems

[asitis]

Thank you Fogg. That is actually what the MC said months ago, he said that usually when someone is this angry at a spouse it is 10% at the spouse and 90% unresolved childhood issues. H looked him firmly in the eye and said "Not in this case. In this case it is ALL HER." MC said "that's what everyone says, but when you dig deep, it never is ." H said "This is the exception."

I've found when you scratch the surface on anger you almost always find hurt, fear, or both. I'm not going to diagnose your H, but there is a lot of fear in that one. The other thing I'd say is that while your H is not really putting much work in (or getting much out of) your MC, he is still going. If he were just looking for the comfort of "I tried, but it wasn't going to work," he could have stopped a long time ago. Does that tell you anything. Don't listen to what he is saying, look at what he is doing.

Now the question is whether he can deal w/ his own sh*t to be a good partner for you? You obviously have some patience and fortitude, but until he deals with his stuck emotional development, he's not going to learn the healthy R dynamics to make it work for you. He is a very stubborn one when it comes to taking responsibility or allowing someone to present reasonable alternate interpretations. That's a client that will challenge the best therapist for a long while. He's weak and scared and protecting that with all his might. He wants to be happy or he wouldn't put all that effort into defending that wounding he is protecting. You're doing great by just not letting him provoke you and allowing each attempt to attack you to wear itself out. That's really all you can do, and the best thing for him coming from you (i.e., the provoking change can't come from you - he will see that as an attack & defend harder - it is something he will likely need to feel he is in control of if he is going to overcome that level of fear.

And, imagine how depressed you'd be if you were that cut off from your own emotions and the people you were closest too and wanted badly to have a healthy connection with. And, how frustrating it would be to want that deep, deep down, but be unable to let yourself have that? That's his world. That's a lot of hurt to carry. I'm not saying you should therefore give him a pass, but that may help give you some perspective on where he seems to be from this distant view based on your necessarily limited description of your sitch. Don't take anything he says personally. It is not about you really.

And as you know from what you've reported, there are some small steps in the right direction too.

Hang in there!