Striving to keep the peace within

[mleigh4]

Time for a new thread. I am not even sure what number this is, I just know the number is high! The name of my thread says it all. As each day ends and I close my eyes, I think about my day, how it effected me, and what I feel inside. Sometimes unsettled, but mostly at peace. The last few weeks have been difficult for me, I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I am feeling more grounded and rebalanced and at the end of the day, my goal is to feel that peace within.

Tonight I took S to H. S was upset and has been complaining about going to dad's. I suggested he talk it out with his dad, S says he can't talk to dad. I told him to talk to him the way he talks to me, he shook his head. I couldn't help it, I told S that he does a great job of talking and communicating with me and to make sure he does that with his future wife! Lol. I added he should do the same with daddy.

So, dumb me, I let H know we were on our way and gave him a heads up that S has been having a hard time staying over there..I told him it's not him, it's just not home. I know, I know, what did I expect other than for H to feel that it was a guilt attack? I wasn't thinking, other than feeling frustrated that my child has to deal with this.

H replied that yes, it's a different place and thanked me for letting him know. Said he will talk to him...then it came. The 2nd TM saying S is too consumed with his games and H is only trying to get him to do things like a boy should like play outside and fix things . He believes that is the reason he doesn't like to go there, said he knows I would say his choices are his problem, and that he is accepting responsibility for that, but he is trying to expose him to things. Ended by saying that he is not telling me to change anything or worry about it, that he was just talking....

Well....wow! I don't get his talking very often so I was pleased with him opening up. So I let him know that I have the same issues at home with S, that S is a kid being a kid and that I deal by picking my battles.

Did I say something wrong???

He came back with he doesn't have the time with S that I do. Said he knows it's not my problem but he just can't let S play his games all the time and that he has to continue doing what he thinks is right even though he believes that contributes to him not wanting to be there.

Sigh, he obviously took this as a personal attack, no? And I see him putting blame blame blame like I let S do whatever he wants and H has rules so it's all my fault. Yes, S and I sit on the couch playing games all night and day, that is why he gets perfect grades, that I do every school project with him, why I am the only one who bathes the kid...yes, nothing but a picnic here at home.

Please give me any perspective here...although I know better to stay out of H and S relationship. It's just hard to see my kid unhappy whenever he has to go there.

So anyway, I was going to leave it at that and not reply. But I was bothered by this image he portrays of me. It is not who I am nor how I feel so I chose to speak up. I replied....

Please stop thinking and speaking for me in your head, I don't feel any of us deserve anything painful or difficult. All 3 of us are amazing people who deserve happiness. I am doing my best at home, I really was just letting you know what has gone on recently. Enjoy your night with him.

That brought me peace. I felt I stood up for myself without attacking. He can think what he wants, I know who I am and what I do.

Well, that apparently did the trick, he has sent several texts joking around... I was replying joking back but stopped. Time to do some yoga. I just can't figure this man out!