Quote: Bill, how am i being controlling here/earlier? please don't take that question wrong, i really need to know what you see because obviously that is a big issue in our R for him and I am clueless about what I do that comes across that way. I'm not aware of that as an intent in what I do..... It's so hard to sort this crap out, for me any way.
I still don't know what to make about tonight, or what to do. I guess I'll just plan to take S, tell H I appreciate the offer but I have it covered, and then if H insists....I guess all I can do is say "whatever"? H has emailed that he will have to do paperwork again on saturday, same old same old
By your throwing the OW sitch back in his face and suggesting that you don't trust him when he has told you it is over, you are controlling him with guilt.
darn, lost a post. I guess I never perceived that he told me the OW sitch was over...he said he wasnt seeing her, but that she would "always be there if this doesn't work out", he never said he was going to stay in the M, he never put his ring back on.....so I never got the message over, i got the message "a little cooler". I swear it's like he is throwing every thing he can except a D at me like some kind of huge test...a pop quiz you never know when to expect. I still don't know what to do about tonight....I don't know who's taking S to class, I don't know how to handle it if he insists....I guess just "whatever"....any other thoughts on what to do? I will avoid all references to OW sitch like the plague..... I think I got his SUV bought though....you'd think I'd get a brownie point for that, although as the beatles said, "cant buy me love" (no I"m not that old!)
It's been interesting tonight. I asked H what he decided--he said for me to take S to class, and I could do it the rest of the year, and to heck with him trying to be helpful, he just thought then I could work on the taxes. He said my email was hateful (it's exactly what was here, I cut and pasted it). I told him it wasn't my intent in the email, and I was sorry it came off that way. I told him I love him, and he said "I love you too". I'm glad I asked him what he decided, and let him have that decision.
I am amazed though, he is furiously angry. this is about way more than taking S to class, of course. I have thought about the connection that my alluding to the OW sitch when he's said it's over makes him angry at not being trusted, but that doesnt seem on track...he has never told me it's over between them, for one thing (he's said he wasnt seeing her, but she will always be there if we don't work out), and he has done absolutely nothing to try to help me trust him again. In fact, it seems like he baits me to make sure I don't trust him. weird....I guess if that's the case I need to be really careful to try to avoid the bait.
To me it doesnt seem unreasonable that someone would question a complete turn around of a request from 2 weeks before....
He is so angry, it's unreal. I'm almost betting that OW was pressuring him to be there tonight...and so when I told him I had made arrangements to do it and it wasnt a problem, that put him between the proverbial rock and hard place....maybe she got angry...The more I think about it and the way he's acting, the more I feel like that's it. He acts like he does when he thinks he's really been "chewed out"....and from more of a chewing out than could possibly be construed from my email.
Rotzilla, you mentioned that the email would have been controlling from the standpoint of making him feel guilty. What in the email would have made him feel guilty? stating that he asked me to take him to class and asking him to be upfront? just trying to figure this out.
I didn't see OW when I dropped off S...
Of course, she & H could be still meeting somewhere. Oh well, at this point, I'm too tired to worry about it.
I never knew that a person could be more of a crazymaker than me! Learn to talk to yourself to walk yourself through stressful situations. This is what I do. learn to think b4 you speak. Walk away when you fell annoyed to gather your thoughts and you may realize it is not even worth mentioning. He said she would always be there. Well, guess what i wouldn't let that statement bother me(easier said than done). That is just to make him feel that she has this super unconditional love for him. You show him that unconditional love is with you. One of the things you can do to help show him is STOP mentioning OW. Trust him. don't blame him. Don't bring up the past. FORGIVE him for his indescretions. I use to hold things over my H's head and had to learn that when we love uncondionally and forgive we should not continue to bring up the past. I know it is hard. I am just learning to take my own advice because I am such a crazy maker!
Hi Nitaf, thanks for your post. I read up on your sitch yesterday, but havent got anything posted. I may go over there and ask you a question about sex -- one I posted in my newcomers thread.
Do you think we should have a contest to see who is the Queen of Crazymaking? I assure you, I can give you some stiff competition!
I appreciate your advice. you are so very very right...I recognize that everything you told me is right on target. I gotta get back on track. After your input I can see that maybe his "I know she will always be there if this doesnt work out" could be (a)"whistling in the dark" to reassure himself or (b)more baiting/testing to see if I would jump on it. neither of these possibilities had occured to me before. In either case, I handled it ok, I made absolutely no response to the comment, just let it go, but nodded my head so he would know I heard. H has made a lot of comments this last week that strike fear in to my heart....that he suddenly didnt know about weights because he didnt want to put anything hard to move out into the basement, the "swinging" comment (sex question in newcomers), the comment about not getting a vehicle by himself in case "it" "doesn't work out"....maybe these comments are more testing on his part.....if so, it's really important to follow your advice and walk away before responding. and rehearsing difficult situations, that is a great suggestion to. One suggestion I got from the special-as-if-attitude post was to think of the worst scenarios that could happen in your sitch, and write them down and then write out how you would handle it...that's real similar to your suggestion...I havent done it yet, but think it is a good idea, something I need to do.
I just lost another post here, darn it. so starting over. anyway, I'm thinking I need to back up, regroup rethink and decide how to get back on track from here. I really need anythoughts on where to go next anybody has! H is still obviously angry from my email yesterday, distant and cool this am, responded to ILY but not as "huggy" as usual. This am as we walked out to vehicles, I told him again that I was sorry for yesterdays email, he said "it's ok", and then I told him "I hope you'll be able to forgive me for it sometime", and he responded "I will", so maybe he just needs time to make sure I know how mad he is. I didn't hug or kiss on him, just told him I'd be thinking of him and praying for him. I know his 1st session was going to be very hard and has been weighing on his mind for a couple of days...it was with a mom whose D died in her arms this past Sat., I know those things are tough for H., and that probably makes him even more hypersensitive right now. So, what do I do now? this much I've figured out: --DONT ASK ANYTHING!!!!! I've been wanting to ask for clarification of some things he's said re: not seeing OW, if "it" doesnt work out, etc....have been biting my tongue and need to keep doing it....!!!!! --AVOID R talks (goes w/#1) --Listen & validate....I'm sure he's going to have a hard time w/some work stuff. --Offer physical touch, backrubs, etc....as a comfort measure --get my PMA back up, it's pretty low right now. I don't know what else, anybody got any thoughts? I'm really beat right now, almost feel like I'm coming down w/something and gotta work till at least 9 tonight, so having a hard time here. any input would sure be appreciated. -
I realized I was so wound up yesterday I didn't mention this, but think i'll just vent a little here. Part of the reason (but not a good excuse!) I had such a knee jerk response to H's e-mail about taking S to religion class was that I had literally just come from a Dr.s appt., turned on my email and sat down when h's email popped up. At the DR appt, I found out I have to go in next week to have MORE testing done for STD's....I was pretty blown away, and his timing w/his email was p--s poor. Havent said anything to him about having to go back for additional tests, don't think I will unless they're +, but needless to say, my patience level w/all his crap took a huge nose dive. Especially since I know for a fact that's been a major "tryst time" for them. In fact, I'm still pretty po'd when I think about it. maybe I'll send all the bills to the OW.
