About 1.5 years before BD I knew things were bad. I attend a monthly women's group and there is always a speaker, quite often the topic is marriage. One speaker in particular, made me look at things with H in a different manner, and I remember clearly deciding to take a step back from my "complaining" and negativity about the IL's. I made a conscious effort to improve. And I did, I improved a lot. I am going to guess that I cut my complaints by about 50%, and let a lot slide. I made a big effort to help plan the IL's 50th anniversary party, but all of my efforts were ignored and rejected by BIL and H took an extremely passive role in the whole thing. I asked the IL's to babysit my children for a weekend and took H for a surprise anniversary trip- which he absolutely loved and the IL's loved watching the kids. I had a similar trip planned for H's birthday, but he BD'd before we got to it. So I had improved my role in the IL situation, and had also started making plans for H and I to have special time without the kids. These were things I knew were important to H.
However, I did these things quietly. In retrospect I should have told him, so he would have known that I was trying to improve our marriage based on what I knew was important to him. I don't know why I didn't tell him. I think we were never really good at talking so I thought I'd just "do it" and he'd notice. I thought he was noticing. I think what he wanted more than change was for me to validate his feelings, to listen and not react and validate. I wish I had done that in addition to making changes, and I wish I had implemented the changes sooner.
We were on a path where things were improving. At least I thought so. We were fighting less. We were connecting more- had our anniversary weekend in Oct 14, a weekend in Nov 14 to go to his cousin's wedding (without kids), I had sent D away for Christmas week in Dec 14 to reduce stress. We hadn't fought about the IL's in a long time.
But then IMO, what happened was my D- 13 at the time- hit rock bottom and was lashing out very violently and very personally and nonstop at H and he couldn't take it anymore. He was unable to get through the day without breaking down and crying, even at work. OW just happened to be at work, going through a D, and very needy and available to lend a sympathetic ear. Very easy to talk to, very easy to blame me for everything. Then H called the IL's and they blamed me too, H even admits that they "opened his eyes to what was really happening" and it all blew up from there. He admitted that he had noticed there was less stress between me and his parents, but he credited that all to their efforts, zero for me. He admitted we were spending more time together, but said those were "events" and not every day. I wish I had combined the changes I made with validation so he would have put the two together- and known I was intentionally working on meeting his needs in the marriage. Instead he dismissed all my efforts.
So, yes, I have guilt for not making H my priority, for complaining too much about IL's which caused H too much stress. For not managing D's problems and letting it get out of hand- although to be honest I went through at least a dozen different dr's with her desperate for help and couldn't find help. I did not validate. I reacted emotionally to issues with his parents instead of looking at his perspective. I am guilty of all those things.
