Wayward Wife, my addiction, advice needed

[trumpet]

Thanks Sandi and Cristy.

The EA might or might not be going on. Once I exposed it, it went underground at a much deeper level, and my wife got a new iPhone6 (fingerprint ID) so I can't see what is going on now. She SAYS they no longer talk, but like the rules state, I don't believe her.
Yes, I snooped, and once in a while get a sniff of what is going on when she talks to her mom. Mom loves her, but she was part of the problem in her youth, and while Christian, is telling her to divorce me and walk away if her 'baby' is hurt and tired.

While I appreciate that we might be meeting with the pastor/counselor soon, I don't think she's past the withdrawls of the EA. It almost feels too soon, but if she's willing to go, maybe he can jar something loose to begin the MR process.

She might be very happy and chatty with me for a few minutes about work/life when we see each other at night (we both work), and I just try to practice validation with her. The next minute she'll kick off a sarcastic remark (grew up extremely sarcastic) that is meant to inflict harm on me. I've tried to remain silent, or asking 'was that comment was meant to hurt me?' or telling her 'those words hurt', but her apologies after the fact are half-hearted and insulting. She's become a boss at her workplace in the last 6 months too, so a lot more demands on her time have made a change in her.

She's often had to yell at the kids to get things accomplished; often, I speak a soft word, and they'll do what I ask them to do. I was a middle-level teacher for 5 years, so I have learned more patience, and seem to get more respect from my kids. They have seen the disrespect and resentment from my wife towards me, but so far they are respectful of me. It does bug my wife, and has for a while. Now that I see it for what it is, it's unacceptable to me, but I haven't told her that yet - I can tell it would go over like a lead balloon.

Sandi - yes, the disrespect, rebellion (she's gotten drunk in front of the kids 3 times in the past year, which never happened before, including smoking, which she quit almost 20 years ago), and resentment were things I've lived with for years, and have only gotten more severe in the last 3 years. Her Grave's disease made the relationship go on a backburner for a while, and a bit of respect came back as I helped her through it, but now that she's feeling better, it came back with a vengance.

More than once she's asked 'Didn't you see this coming?'... well, no, I didn't. I accepted the relationship in it's broken state, and thought it would get better with time.