Thank you Mahhhty. Good news to report- my "fun" with the boys must have reached H after all, he ended up grabbing the boys for a wrestling match right before bed, and of course they loved that. More fun wrestling with Dad who they don't have to "hold back" with- they are sweet and know they can hurt me but with Dad they can really go wild.
Afterwards H was obviously depressed, so I asked him to talk and I validated. I am feeling better about myself, my ability to validate and my mothering skills, but a little sickened about the stuff coming out of H's mouth that needs validation. He is still really depressed and puts a negative spin on everything. He started blaming me for S's anxiety - that is new- so far I am to blame for his mother's problems, his problems, and D's problems, so might as well add S to the list now. His view of the world is just so bleak and I must be really powerful in his mind in that I can destroy everyone.
The good news- I think we are back to pre-BD H. Not the H that I fell in love with, but the one who was just about to crack. I think the raging, spewing is over, and now with my newfound ability to validate, STFU, not react, etc, maybe, just maybe we can climb out of this pit. The bad news- he is still very depressed, and this is the mindset that he was in right before BD so it could go either way. And to be honest, I still love him but I am fed up with the negativity, it is getting really old and very unattractive.
Just wanted to say hi, I am busy at work but wanted you to know you are a truly are a fantastic mother and wife. If your husband knew what other peoples wife's were like he would thank his lucky stars everyday. Be well
It is so hard to be the bigger person and I give you tons of credit for your patience. I hope you are rewarded for your efforts. Regardless of what happens you are one person that can truly say "I did everything I could to save this marriage"
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Every relationship needs a hero, and you are your family's hero!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
It's so hard to keep calm when they start spewing the martyr/victim bs at you, but you are doing a fantastic job and setting a great example for your kids.
Thank you Mutatio, Mahhhty, Julie. I was just at my son's school for an event and I saw the woman who referred me for the job. I felt like the biggest loser. I know its just a job, but rejection hurts so much right now. I came home and felt a big "cry" coming on, but it lasted about 5 seconds and literally now its over. So maybe I am coming up from my "down" again.
I left a message for an old friend to meet up for coffee and to ask her for career advice.
Also in Pho news today, I accidentally called H this morning, meant to call my sister. When I saw his name on my phone my initial reaction was "Oh Crap!" and I hung up. First time in my life I felt that way about calling H. H saw the "missed call" and called me back, I was on the line w. my sister and ignored it, he called back again a couple of minutes later and I picked up and had a short but pleasant conversation. This tells me 2 things: 1- I don't think of him anymore when I want to pick up the phone and have a friendly chat, doesn't even cross my mind to call him. I do still text him if I need to about the kids or logistics, but really I can not remember the last time I initiated a phone call or a "friendly" chat. 2- He called me back! And right away, and twice.
Things are thawing a little bit.
Also, an added note, I was watching my son in school interact with his friends and his teacher. He is so happy and well adjusted in school. People like him, he is funny, he is friendly and fun loving. Definitely not the stressed out little boy who I see at home. It was so good to see him, especially when he was joking with his teacher ( a man) because his teacher joked right back with him and I realized that H doesn't do that. I am so glad he has a male teacher this year.
pho - you are such an inspiration on how you are handling everything and you are handling A LOT! You are your family's hero and I hope you are rewarded for your efforts, just like Julie said.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Thank you Ep. Sometimes I feel the need to tell you all that I lose patience with my kids frequently, I still cry way too often, and I do minimal housework. Also my D is off the top obnoxious and I have no idea what I am doing with her, but I do know I will not give up on her.
Although ironically, none of those are H's complaints about me.
Hey Pho, allow me to jump in! In my thread you asked a question - not sure you saw it, but here you go:
Quote:
What I am curious about, is what does your therapist do when your W spews at you or brings up random things to complain about during MC? Our therapist seems to just nod and act like he is hearing H complain about the weather, like it is no big deal. Usually at the end of a session he will comment casually something like "In every marriage there are things that can drive us crazy about our spouse, the key is to focus on the positive" or some such statement that goes right past H. I am just wondering how other therapists respond to this stuff.
Our therapist doesn't work that way for the most part. Like yours seems to be, ours seems to be intent on saving the marriage. Whenever my W attacks, the therapist first gets me to validate what she said. After she makes sure I understood what the W was saying, then most times she will ask the W to dig a little deeper. That is when the W starts balking a little and doesn't give full explanations. My W has now taken the stance that me and the counselor are not listening to her.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hi Spiff, thank you. Actually at times our MC does ask me to validate, now that I am thinking about it, but then usually H launches into spew and some of the things he says are just kind of "out there" and H gets so worked up, that's when the MC just nods and lets H wear himself out. He went off about how he doesn't even know if the dog gets fed? And that I use crazy hand gestures? Stuff like that. And if the MC asks H to validate me, he cannot do it, gets it completely wrong, and then the counselor role plays H validating me.
I think my H has been too angry to really participate honestly in counseling, although he seems to have calmed down quite a bit lately so maybe that can change.
