PP...I am on such a learning journey. My childhood was chaos; my dad was an alcoholic from a long line of alcoholics. I was the eldest child, and the classic overachiever in hopes of being "good enough".
I've been exploring the topic of codependency lately, and have had my eyes opened in surprising ways. It's almost too much to deal with all at once. I've made an observation about myself...I am not an alcoholic...but I definitely have alcoholic traits. In my case, it manifested in overeating. The damage to my body and health has been extreme. I am getting a handle on this, but it is so darned hard!
I had an alcohol/depressive disorder related episode (first one ever) a couple of weeks ago that landed me in huge trouble. After learning that I should not drink with the depressive disorder, I vowed never to drink again. I never craved it before, so no problem, right?
Hah! Tell someone they cannot have something, and suddenly that is all they can think about. So, now I'm fighting a double whammy...fighting off food and booze cravings. Who knew that stirring the pot would bring up all this crap?
I'm going to start working a 12 step program from home until my car is repaired, then likely find a weekly Alanon meeting to attend. I wanted to reach out to you because I've been so impressed with your recovery. I so desperately want to be a success like you! I also wanted to let you know you weren't alone here. My self-esteem, never great to begin with, is really taking a beating with finding out all my areas of dysfunction. Like you, I am determined. I want a full, healthy, happy life. I'm determined to do whatever is needed to get where I want to be.
I've been so inspired by you. Thanks for being do honest.
Wanted to answer this here so that you caught it Judy. You wrote some extremely open and powerful statements above.
First off, I applaud you for taking a stand in your life and stepping away from a FOO pattern. It's extremely difficult to do and most people won't and/or can't make that level of change. You're a rockstar.
You and I are very similar, alcohol wasn't at the point in my life where anyone thought it was a problem. I didn't get drunk and was drinking about 12 beers a week. When i went to AA and said that I got a lot of strange looks. I don't think I have "the allergy", and if I were to take a sip of something right now I wouldn't wake up in a gutter three weeks from now not knowing how many people I'd taken out in my car.
But it was an issue for me in that I was using it (and other unhealthy means) to cope. And that was not good or productive at all. It sounds like food is your real addiction, or as I tell people "addiction" was my addiction. I cycled between pot (main one), alcohol, work, Facebook (checking every 5 minutes ALL day), porn, Twitter, making lists of future projects, etc. Basically, I couldn't be in my own skin for more than about 2 minutes without needing a state changer.
There were periods in my M when I "quit". No drinking, no pot, no internet, no nothing, but I never addressed the self esteem issues that were underneath. That was the kicker. Like you, when I "quit" drinking, I'd wake up thinking about it, never before! When I "quit" looking at porn I'd hear my computer calling me! Again, the real issue wasn't being addressed.
No matter what the manifestation of your addiction is, it's just that, the manifestation. What you're after and it sounds like you're working on, is the root. Why do you need to over eat? What is it numbing? That's the million dollar question. It won't absolve you of responsible living for the rest of your life, but it will help you turn the volume down on the craving.
Truthfully, I'm fortunate. I don't crave pot any more, smoking it as an adult actually seems juvenile and absurd. I don't crave alcohol any more (although the Winter brews were pretty darn tasty), but miss hanging out with my friends over rounds of beers. I don't crave any kind of distraction to be honest, and am loving being present.
I wanted to live with presence for years, so the decision to get and stay sober filled a huge desire for me. It filled me as opposed to taking something away from me. That's a big distinction.
My recommendation is to not focus on what you're giving up or what you're missing but to replace it with healthy activities. If you're salsa dancing 5 nights a week, watching YouTube videos on salsa dancing, thinking about salsa dancing, and practicing salsa moves in your head, there isn't much room to think about booze and food. You're not missing out on anything but the cycle of addiction which is no damn fun!
If you ever need a hand with what you're going through on the food/alcohol front, please reach out to me. I reach out to people daily on it just to make sure I'm unable to even begin going down any kind of slope, slippery or otherwise.
Also, revel in the strength that it takes to tackle your demons. Wear it like a secret badge of honor. You don't need to become the poster woman for sobriety, but every time you enter a room know that you're strong as (censored) and doing something so many can't.
You truly are stronger than you know. I believe it and I believe in your ability to live a life filled with esteem, strength and personal power.
Hope you're OK after today's blip.
Big hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
