Got my hair cut and decided to tell the girl that cuts my hair that I was now S, She work out of her home now and she just spent three hours with my W coloring her hair for the wedding W went to.
Well she tells me that W never told her anything about the S. I was floored. Three hours and didn't say anything?
So I told her some of the story and she was in disbelief, she thought W was nuts wanting to leave me, how W was treating me was incredibly disrespectful and that I should of stood up her sooner. She was telling me what a great catch I was and I and so great with the kids.
She is what I thought out of my league, I thought she was nice to me because she cut my hair but there is more there, she is interested. She has some money issues and is struggling with a couple of kids and seems to be what the NMMNG says I would be attracted to and to be aware of it. But I was honest as stopped hiding my flaws like the NMMNG says to d, I told her how I was working on saving the MR and that this is what my W wants so she can do the work. As I said some things I could see her heart breaking a little. I felt bad but for that as I do have a connection with her. But It felt good to let it out in the open. Saying what I want right now instead of hiding it and to make me look flawless.
Then I get home and find out that my W is talking about the wedding and that she is interested in the best man but she thinks that he wants a slim girl. W best friend is trying to convince her that she should go for him anyway. W says that she should have went home with him and just got it over with when they were both drunk. That she is so out of practice being assertive to men. that she needs a guy like that spontaneous , outgoing, funny and crazy, not someone she needs to babysit. She told her friend to tell him to send some shirtless photos, and that the girls at the wedding were pushing her to go home with him.
W comes home and I act like I know nothing I ask if she wants me to get her a ticket for my works children's Christmas party, she says she dosent know, then I ask again, and she says that I could just take them, I said to her that I could get her a ticket if she wants.
Then she said that she is taking the boys on Sat to see her brothers new place.
This turned in to me asking why I am not asked to go, who doesn't want me there? di , is it your brother? she didn't answer She just said that I get to spend time with them on sunday, I have GAL activities on sunday. Then I just asked that going forward she needs to ask me about it.
Ok so now I am thinking about Christmas.
SHe doesn't ask me to go to things anymore and I think in the past she said she wanted me to go to things because she thought it would be easier on me. Now that I have said I am not going to some things I think this is what she wants, as she said yesterday that is how it will be later on anyway.
I am not getting results that I want and I think I need to change what I am doing.
I think I need to ask for a second chance. that If she wants to split on Christmas gifts that she needs to give me a second chance. I think now is the time to ask.
I have pushed her so hard that she is further away. I think when she was crying and saying that I wasn't treating her like the mother of my children that is when I should have asked. I should have comforted her. I just acted indifferent.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
No vise. You don't need to ask her for a second chance you need to back off and GAL. She's not thinking about you right now, she's not wanting to be in a relationship with you and your still clinging to her and showing her you will always be there for her. She's talking to her friends about hooking up with the beat man at that wedding and you ask her if she wants to go to a Christmas party? How is it that you know all of this btw?
If she is crying about something she feels you can validate her feelings and show you do care (don't just act indifferent, but don't jump to comfort her either). It's likely a manipulation trick but you still need to respond I'm the right way and not ignore it/be cold to it/etc. You can be strong and confident while validating her and still avoiding needy clingy.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
So you are saying I need to back off more? Do I need to take my ring off now? What else could I possibly do? So I have to send her the message that I am moving forward,that I am detached?
I asked her to go to the Christmas party because she missed it every year because she works, this year she doesn't work so I asked if she wanted to go.
She is acting like I have moved forward by not including me in events anymore. So I think its message received on her end.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I'm not saying pull back more I'm saying change how your pulling back and your mindset in doing it, because it doesn't seem like your doing it right. A DB coach would be the best place to get answers to help your specific sitch. There is a legitimate concern that the WAS will think you don't want them if your acting a certain way but I dont think that's not what's happening in your case. Even if she were to say that to you. She's searching for a man to make her happy, she's wayward. She doesn't want to be in a relationship eirh you and blames you for being unhappy. She will keep looking for that magic button (man) that is going to fix it all and make her happy. This is why you let her live her life and you become the man only a fool would leave. It [censored] but there's not much you can do there.
Again, how did you know about what she was talking about?
It's not that you asked her to go to the party, it's how you did it. You asked once, she said she didn't know, you then asked again and she replied you could just take then. Your pursuing her right here. If you really wanted to ask her you would have asked once and when she said she didn't know you should of said something like "ok well I'll be getting the tickets for me and the kids this day so if you decide you do want to join us let me know before then" and leave it. Better yet you should have said "I'm taking the kids to the Christmas party if you wanted to join us let me know before (date) so I can get you a ticket" and leave it there.
Another thing, "ask her to give me a second chance" is not the attitude of a man only a fool would leave. That will absolutely backfire and not work the way you want. Just like thinking you missed a chance when she was crying to say that. You might have missed a chance to validate but not to win her back by a single comment.
Her telling you she was taking the kids to her brothers house and you asking why you weren't invites? Why? You know the answer, she wants you to see this IS HOW THINGS WILL BE IN THE FUTURE. Accept it for now and respect that. You questioning her is showing how attached you are to needing a relationship with her, which is very unattractive. You need to change your view. She's taking the kids to her brothers and you're thinking why she didn't ask you to go when you should be thinking what can you do with this free time to GAL and have some fun.
She doesn't want a man who she can give a second chance to, she wants a man who loves her but can live without her, one she might actually lose. She just doesn't know the last part can be you but you need to become that man first before she can.
Sorry this post is all over the place, I wanted to jot down a few thoughts but I'm quite busy right now with work and family stuff.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Up until this point I have not seen her physically interested in another guy. She was having an EA with a gay guy but it seems that has tapered off. Now it looks like she is looking to fill that void with another man. I felt a lot better before when there was no actual OM. I can see why Sandi said that I do the same DB if there is OM or not because W has the same mind set.
Because of all the work I have done I am in a better place to deal with her looking for OM. I guess its a matter of time before she finds one. I think the wedding has sped that up for her. Instead of hearing the vows and thinking of our MR, she has seen the happiness of her best friend and she is grasping to get that from OM.
We are in house S and its too easy to snoop, this is a time I snooped and found out that she has a crush on the best man.
I can see now that this S will only get worse for me now that its at this point.
She is looking out for herself. There is no mention of the kids when she was talking about OM. She is not thinking about them. Though thats what she tells me: We have to do what's best for the kids.
I wont ask for a second chance. I will use the time I have now to show her that I am a guy she would be crazy to leave. That's how I get my second chance through my actions. I have to do whats best for me and the kids.
Now does anyone know if she will openly reveal that she is looking for a OM or will this be a secrete thing that WW will pursue? The only reason I can think they want to not let the LBS know is to keep him as plan B, enjoy the security of having him around. Is she looking for OM to help her get out of our sit. because money wise its going to be tough to even just pay for the S agreement.
I feel that's a boundary for me, if she has a PA. We have gone almost 6 months with this S and neither of us has had a PA. This was talked about during MC. If she does cross that line I feel like that would be when I would file for D. I realize that is a feeling and feelings change.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I wont ask for a second chance. I will use the time I have now to show her that I am a guy she would be crazy to leave. That's how I get my second chance through my actions. I have to do whats best for me and the kids.
Well, good for you!
Quote:
Now does anyone know if she will openly reveal that she is looking for a OM or will this be a secrete thing that WW will pursue? The only reason I can think they want to not let the LBS know is to keep him as plan B, enjoy the security of having him around. Is she looking for OM to help her get out of our sit. because money wise its going to be tough to even just pay for the S agreement.
Plan B is correct. She probably won't share it openly, but she may tell her BFF.
I doubt seriously she's looking for OM to help her out of your sitch. The WW is looking for the thrill she gets from a secret affair. When the best man doesn't work out, she'll move on to another man. She is addicted to the thrill she gets of a new romance, even if it never becomes a PA.
I just copied this to another poster, so I guess it's on my mind. I believe if you'll drop the rope, while you are in-house separated, it could cause her to at least become curious about you and want to know about what you're doing.
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels buried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little bit so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope."
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know this is probably the last thing anyone is thinking about, but something that popped in my mind while reading here. Maybe a vet can chime in on this.
In Vise's sit is it possible this is a step the WW may have to go through on the way back to the LBS? She thought for so long she needed to be away from him and now realizes she is missing something and now she is conflicted. She thinks ok, i dont want to be with H anymore so I need to go find affection somewhere else. Then she realizes this is not making her happy and she starts looking back more?
I know we hope this doesnt go to a point where a full blown affair takes place but could it be a place they need to go on their journey.
Not sure if this makes sense at all but how my brain is working.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
In Vise's sit is it possible this is a step the WW may have to go through on the way back to the LBS? She thought for so long she needed to be away from him and now realizes she is missing something and now she is conflicted. She thinks ok, i dont want to be with H anymore so I need to go find affection somewhere else. Then she realizes this is not making her happy and she starts looking back more?
It seems to me, after reading many, many threads on here that the WW has to really hit rock bottom before they consider returning, if they even do. As Sandi said, they have to see that you really don't GAS what they think or do and move on with your life. Not saying that will happen and his may never return, but why would she if she has her cake?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
In Vise's sit is it possible this is a step the WW may have to go through on the way back to the LBS? She thought for so long she needed to be away from him and now realizes she is missing something and now she is conflicted. She thinks ok, i dont want to be with H anymore so I need to go find affection somewhere else. Then she realizes this is not making her happy and she starts looking back more?
It seems to me, after reading many, many threads on here that the WW has to really hit rock bottom before they consider returning, if they even do. As Sandi said, they have to see that you really don't GAS what they think or do and move on with your life. Not saying that will happen and his may never return, but why would she if she has her cake?
Right, is this a possible step to hitting that rock bottom? Of course they may never truely hit it or be so stubborn to not let it be know( unfortunately, I feel my W is this stubborn).
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I'm going to say something that may be unpopular-I think everyone needs to read and re read the books (DR and DB). The spouses reaction is very important to evaluate while implementing changes. Granted, an initial "negative" reaction (anger, silent treatment etc) may actually be a good thing (like in the case of a WW going through withdrawal) it is something that needs to be evaluated and changed if needed. Detachment comes from not allowing the S to affect our feeling, at least not visibly not from disregarding their reactions to our changes.
Even if a change of direction is called for though, I don't believe it can ever come from a position of weakness. This is not from DB or DR but from personal and professional experience. It cannot be begging for a second chance, but from a person merely deciding to shift direction. No excuses needed.
